tokimi: (teh hotness)
Probably shouldn't have waited a year to write. Not that I was waiting, per se, but the depression after the break up with Eric and subsequent whirlwind wooing by Chris was... um... a whirlwind.

So to jump to things, I've been seeing Chris for nearly a year, or a year, or something like that. He moved back up to Seattle in September, and we officially moved in together in February. Murphy and Adam both live with us, and terrorize or whore it up, according to their own natures. We're currently looking for a larger apartment, townhouse or house with or without a roommate, depending on what happens. I'm very happy with my life with Chris, overall, though we need to buckle down and start saving for the move. We do have the ballet, a symphony and PAX on the horizon, plus a trip back to New Hampshire in September for -his- friend's wedding, ironically enough.

I'm back in DBT and at the halfway mark now. We just started Distress Tolerance again, which is good. I think I'm excited about this module because I finally made a box out of a very bright gift box from Daiso. I've put the things that make me smile in there, and help to break moods and stuff. Olivia's kindergarten pic is one of them! But that's because I don't want my sister and brother in law to ever have to explain what happened to Auntie Margo. Therapy seems to be going well, I slipped off the bandwagon for a little bit, but seem to be back on it. Trying to learn to self discipline myself into being responsible, but it's kinda hard. And sometimes it really makes me feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Mostly because my sisters are both successful in their chosen fields, and are working on or have received their masters. And I'm... in therapy, not working. Eeeeh... C'est la vie? I don't know.

I went to New Hampshire last December and saw a bunch of people for the first time since I graduated high school. I plan on packing as many people into the five day trip this fall as possible. We'll see how it goes. Lorelei's definitely on the list of people to see since I didn't get to see her last time I was there.

Chris wants me to read the Wheel of Time, and I'm stuck halfway through the first book. I said I would read the whole thing, but it's so slow, and slogging through it is painful. I'm trying, but I just don't think it's my thing? And it's not that I don't like fantasy or epic reads or whatever. I just don't know, but I feel as though I'm letting him down by not finishing the book. He says I like to cuddle it more than I like to actually read it. He could be right. I read it on the bus, mostly when I have nothing better to do.

I have things to do this weekend, it's amazing. I have to mail my copy of the Last Unicorn comic to Dawn to get signed by Peter Beagle, and go to Lush to buy a birthday present for one of our friends, Beth... well, and buy some stuff for me, mostly moisturizer. Like I need a reason to go to Lush! That's really Dawn's fault, since she introduced Lush to me before she moved.

Um, what else has happened? My sisters both moved. Mandy to New Mexico with her fiancee for school, and Cory, Tim and Olivia to New Hampshire to be closer to Tim's family. And prolly my dad and stepmom, too! Mandy and Russell will be visiting Seattle in July, yay, and I hope to see them at least once, if not more. Chris is nervous about meeting my younger sister and her fiancee, but he'll do fine! Or he better!

Lots of stuffs I want to do this year. PAX, the ballet, the symphony, NaNoWriMo, the Uproar Festival, meet Chris's family, graduate DBT... um... The year is half over, gotta hop to! Though, some of those events can't be rushed, or have certain dates. Most of those dates are unchangeable. Oh well.

Anyways, not a bad start to journaling again...

Lacuna Coil

May. 5th, 2010 10:25 pm
tokimi: (meeeee)
Lacuna Coil on June 6th, at Neumo's... $15 advance purchase... Anyone going? I don't wanna go alone.
tokimi: (prayer)
What is there to report? Nothing much has gone on.

My birthday was last week. I got some books, some kitchen y stuff that were needed, like a microwave and electric kettle, and some flowers, all of which I'm exceedingly excited about. I spent the birthday money from my grandmother on some stuff from Lush, bar shampoo which is amazing and awesome. I shared the Lush-love with my sister for her birthday. I bought a copy of Fight Club, because it was severely lacking in my movie collection. My sister took me out to dinner the day after my birthday in a joint celebration with hers and my birthday. Amy took me out to dinner the night of my birthday and we came back with mochi ice cream to watch Idiocracy. I don't think Amy stopped laughing.

Right now, I'm chilling out, watching Gladiator, watching Joaquin Phoenix emo the fuck out to the emperor.

Murphy seems to be settling in well! He's been showing off his desire for popcorn and bell hats. He seems to be happy. Which is good, I think I'll start trying to handle him in May. That gives him a few weeks to get settled in and used to the routine and everythiing.

Things between Eric and I seem to be going well. He's planning on visiting in June. Which is exciting and scary at the same time, but I'm mostly excited about it. It's hard not to be, really. Scared because I'm so unsure about about myself after the whole mess with Adam, and sorta with Kyle, that sort of rejection kinda burns in someone's mind, so what can you do? We've had talks about it, but I'm not allowed to be too emo about it because that's just a fucking downer. I think I'm mostly scared because of the way I put on the extra weight in my depression and the medications and the like. Not that I've ever been super skinny or anything like that.

Ugh, I don't want to sit here and spend all this time on my stupid weight. I'm going to start walking, and start yoga, and try to eat better, since I'm seeing a nutritionist next week.

No matter how often I refer to Eric as Eric to all of my friends, he's still Krisael in my head, which makes it feel like it's another secret altogether. Apparently other people have this problem as well. I know Patrick does, having read the entry I saw recently by him. Funny how that works. It amuses me somewhat. All of my friends and family know him as Eric. But in my brain, he's still Kris. Oh well, either name works, I know who he is.

We talk about the future a lot. After DBT, what will happen, leaving Seattle, leaving Alaska, who goes where, or if we both leave our area. We talk about going up to Alaska to see the northern lights in the winter and whether or not my coat is good enough at it's -10 degrees rating and what not. It's exciting. And seems only the tiniest bit premature, but somehow right.

I'm happy.
tokimi: (smile)
I told Eric I had never had a boyfriend send me flowers for my birthday or anything. So he decided to change that.


Flowers!
Flowers!



The rest will open in the next day or so. And I'll probably take pics of them, too.
tokimi: (alone)
Friends of mine are getting a divorce. Now, let's be fair here. The husband is one of my better/best friends from high school, and the wife is just someone I've stayed in contact with because of him. She and I weren't very good friends in high school, and we probably wouldn't have stayed in contact with one another if they hadn't gotten married in the first place. All I really want to do is write on her facebook about what a skeazy slut she is and how she's throwing away the best guy she'll probably ever get. That's probably not exercising restraint or social skills very well. Seriously, 1:30am over a guy friend's house sounds awfully close to a booty call, especially when you come home drunk. Writing things along the lines of "we're two different people with different life goals" doesn't sound like you want to work anything out.

I feel sorry for him.
tokimi: (blushing)
I can start this entry the way I start a lot of them: Blah blah blah, I should have updated sooner. How retarded! I could update more, but things seem to be going so -well-, superstitious me doesn't want to jinx them.

Where to start?

Murphy moved in Sunday! That's exciting news. He was pretty pissy after we got him into the apartment and whatnot, but seems to be settling down over the last few days. He actually ate the pretzel I gave him yesterday morning rather than throw it to the bottom of his cage in his crazy parrot rage. He came out of his cage yesterday morning and seemed pretty chill for the rest of the day, which is cool. Adam's adjusting pretty well to having Murphy in his space. I did watch Murphy bang a toy against his cage to startle Adam, so I suspect the superior psittacine intellect will beat out feline instinct.

He bit the shit out of my hand at my grandmother's, and it's actually bruised up at the moment.

Things have been going rather well in most things in my life. Krisael (Eric, though not to be confused with Erik from high school or Eric/Teki from Lineage 2) and I hooked up back in February, which feels like a long thing in coming, if you ask me. We've known each other online for the last 6-7 years or so, and there's always been something that we've both felt between us. When he popped back online in February, we started talking and then on the phone, and etc, and etc. We had a long conversation about things a few weeks later, and I guess you could say that's when we hooked up.

Talking about this is weird since I know his roommate reads LJ more than he does.

I'm very happy in our relationship, and very secure. We've had several long talks and plan on being in the same zip code in June, which is quickly approaching and couldn't happen fast enough in my opinion. There's discussions about moving into the same zip code at the end of DBT (which should be in June of next year or thereabouts), moving to an area where I could attend school at the same time. He says I need to learn to drive. I'm afraid to drive.

But all in all, with the new relationship, and having Murphy, things are going rather well.

I'm getting addicted to Lush, which is a dangerous and expensive addiction. But their shampoo makes my hair look fantastic, and their facial masks are amazing for my face... so it's hard to argue with results. I love it, though.

I need to do some reorganizing of my closet and my apartment as a whole. I have things in random places and the OCDness is flaring up by looking at it.

Wide Awake

Mar. 1st, 2010 02:27 am
tokimi: (contemplation)
The rebel inside
A mind of my own
I haven't felt right
Since the moment I gave up
I challenged my limits
I'm feeling I'm becoming limitless
I take it all in and inhale

I'm wide awake
I open my eyes and the sky is so blue all of a sudden
I know that I treasure my life
I find myself
Wide awake
Like you

The struggle within
Now I understand freedom begins
When you get out of the cage you built
It looks like I'm crazy but I'm not the only one
To believe in myself, believe in myself
I won't be coming undone
Cause I feel like

I'm wide awake
I open my eyes and the sky is so blue all of a sudden
I know that I treasure my life
I find myself
Wide awake
Like you
tokimi: (singing)
Rash of good things happening. Maintaining good things in therapy, I think. The family reunion thing slash grandmother's 90th birthday party went well.

Saw Repo! The Genetic Opera, which has music produced by my Yoshiki, so that was pretty awesome. [livejournal.com profile] sobloodycute tipped me off on it, and I watched it the other day when Alex was pussy footing around on IRC about whether or not we were going to RP. It's fun! Gory and pretty visceral but pretty good nonetheless, and I need it on DVD. Planning on doing that. It has Sarah Brightman in it, as well as Paris Hilton, and Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. xD The soundtrack is great, reminds me a bit of Dr. Horrible in its epicness, but different. I posted a quote on my wall on Facebook, and got a few responses with answering quotes. Pretty awesome about that.

Lastly, Krisael got a hold of me recently. Or I him, him getting on IRC, basically, and reconnecting. Which makes me giddy and happy all at once that we're talking again and who knows what will come of it, makes me feel a lot of other things, too. Good things I hope. Jon formerly from Aion threatening him not to behave like a douchewaffle amuses me greatly. Not that they talked, but I passed on the message dutifully.
tokimi: (Domo Sutra)
[livejournal.com profile] sobloodycute is over atm.

Amongst me making out with Domo, we also have this lovely pic:



Awesome.
tokimi: (blushing)





I don't own a scanner, and it's been years since I've drawn. So this was photographed out of my sketchbook, in poor lightning. Go go!
tokimi: (bejeweled)
Dirty for being on Facebook! I KNOW! All mah fault. Feel free to add me, though.

So grandma's 90th birthday party was this weekend, and we went over, knowing that it could easily result in a load of drama and being paranoid for that drama to come. It wasn't so bad.

If anything, it was being way over prepared for the shoe that never dropped. My aunt, all of my uncles and a ton of the family I didn't know well enough to name or had seen in years anyhow were all there, as well as my grandmother, of course. My mom brought her new puppy, Maggie, who was freakin adorable and tiny. Olivia seemed to have a good time.

The only weird thing about it all was my mom bringing the old neighbour kid she tried to hook me up with when I was 17 and he was 14, and his girlfriend. Now this may not sound too weird, except for the fact that he was walking around, at a family event... with a freaking tazer that looked like a handgun on his hip. I... don't get it. Everyone there was dressed up nice in slacks, skirts, the works, and he comes in jeans and a T shirt saying something like "You look like I could use a drink".

Seemed a bit strange and disrespectful.

I found out that one of my uncles was seeing a psychologist, which is probably good for him. He said something about how his therapist told him that he had to go to the gym as a part of his job. From work to the gym and -then- he was allowed home. It stuck in my mind, and seems to be a good way to manage it, I think. I think that's what I'll have to do get myself into the gym on a regular basis as well.

Survived the weekend. I still fall asleep to Zamfir, master of the pan flute. Cory calls this a Pavlovian conditioning since my parents used to play Zamfir in the car when I was an infant. IT STILL WORKS. This shouldn't happen, but oh, it does. What can you do when it still works?

I spent both car rides to and from Leavenworth listening to the Shiny Toy Guns with little to no exception.

Wrote a short story recently. Need to be edited a bit because I ended up changing tenses half way through, as someone pointed out to me, but as soon as I do that, I'll probably post it on LJ. But it does need to be polished up a bit before it comes close to online publication. And it involves rape. Character's back story and all, and that leads to the rape. Of course, it'll be posted, but it won't be until after the second draft is done and a spell checker run through it. Such things are all that the perfectionist require in me.

Oh yeah, I got a little buzzed on strawberry champagne with my aunt last night. Whee. >_>
tokimi: (hats off)
Amy and I hung out briefly tonight. Went to Uwajimaya and hung out there, where we found this:





I have no idea what it is, what it tastes like, but they were 69 cents and the flasks were cool looking. So I had to have.
tokimi: (Default)
Yet another insomnia post of "I should be asleep". I should be! But I'm not, and let's look at how we got to this point. I blame Aion almost exclusively. Between Dark Poeta and the epic group ganking in the Abyss afterwards, it kept me up late.

But at least now I'm getting sleepy. Will have to set an alarm to wake up before noon. Having to be responsible and all that rot.

Grandmother's 90th birthday party is next weekend. That should be interesting with the extended family showing up by the droves, I'm sure. I'm preparing with Regan on how best to handle that the week prior. Putting in all those supports and the like so I have plans on what to do if the situation becomes too hectic. Which is good.
tokimi: (blue)
A few things while I sit around here and chill out.

I discovered Pandora. I don't know why it's taken that long to figure this out. I'm always the last on the trend train. Still holding out against Facebook. Better than the radio, better than randomizing my playlist as it'll play stuff I don't have and should.

Kyle and I broke up. Largely due to the fact that he was unable to make time for me in our relationship. He'd say he'd call, and then never would. I don't begrudge him going out and having fun with his friends, but I do take exception to being put up on the shelf for days on end until -he- was ready to have a girlfriend again. I blame a lot of this on his age, of the pure self centered-ness of being that age, that some people don't seem to be ready to -share- their lives when in a relationship. If you can make time for video games, you should be able to make time for the person you claim to love. In the end, I just wasn't that important, and it fucking kills me to say it. Actions speak louder than words, and being able to let someone go, and to do anything -but- talk to them... In a relationship that is based on nothing but talking, when you aren't, there isn't much left.

What's torturing me now, is that in the week or so we've broken up, he's decided that he can message me more in this space of time, than he had in the entire month. I wasn't important enough until he lost me, again? It's difficult to say what's going on in his mind. Needless to say, I'm hurt, I'm crushed, and I'm going to move on because there isn't anything left in this relationship. As my friend said, "he's a lazy tardface" (direct quote) and that I'm too good for it. Gotta appreciate the way your friends will take care of you when they think you need it.

So of course, all of my insecurities have come back to the forefront. Not being good enough to fucking talk to, being abandoned or discarded... tie into the fact that at the same time, another online friend has apparently dropped me for no reason that I can discern, it's just eating away at me. "Friend" won't tell me and I finally told him off and called him off for not being man enough to tell me to my face why he's not talking to me. I suspect it's another ego trip of his. Being forgotten or discarded is the worst thing I can think of, the absolute horror to my mind, and it's happening in strange places and by more than one person. Enough to break fragile egos and self confidence.

But you know what? Fuck 'em. It's their loss. They'll grow up, maybe, someday, and realize what they done, and regret it.

Jessie's coming over tonight, and I'm working on picking things up a bit. She's allergic to cats, but she's just gonna have to suffer through Adam's presence and hanging about. He's still a good cat. I bet he's slept on the sheets under the futon. It seems like something he'd do. Sitting here innocently.

I beat Dragon Age on my first play through finally. Going through for a human noble now, female, though I should probably be playing a guy or something. Maybe on my next play through. Slogging through Aion slowly. Considering going back to WoW on Immortal's server, but not being a part of Immortal given that I quit the guild on Aion and pretty much called them out for some of their behaviour there, and the running of the chapter into the ground and the like. Oh well. But at least on Lightbringer, there's a few people I know. I'd like to start or get into a static 10 man group that didn't suck too much. It would be pretty nice, and having people that you can trust to do the work... etc. There's a lot of things I'd like to do with that.

I should comment on Christmas, but that could be another entry, I think.
tokimi: (innocence)
tokimi: (longing)
Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My god what have we done to you?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put you through...

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for you

If God has a master plan
That only he understands
I hope it's your eyes he's seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray you learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we'd manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
tokimi: (prayer)
I can't sleep
I've lost the urge to sleep
No one's left a friend
The cost of ill pretend
Where'd you go?
I need you now
I said ooh, ooh

Ten thousand miles apart
A frozen ocean joins our hearts
I can't wait to meet you when
The frozen waves meet ocean floors
You'll be standing on the shore
I can't wait to meet you then

I still dream
But what should I believe?
Frozen shapes to bend
Impossible sets in
Lost again, still alone
I said ooh, ooh

Ten thousand miles apart
A frozen ocean joins our hearts
I can't wait to meet you when
The frozen waves meet ocean floors
You'll be standing on the shore
I can't wait to meet you then

I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait

The frozen waves meet ocean floors
You'll be standing on the shore
I can't wait to meet you then
Ten thousand miles apart
A frozen ocean joins our hearts
I can't wait to meet you when
tokimi: (cheshire)
One of my friends just posted on their LJ about how they wished they could just pack up and leave, moving 3000+ miles away. In retrospect, that's exactly what I did when I graduated. I think, when I was in New England this summer, I was a bit disappointed and deluded about how everyone I still talked to would be happy to see me, to hang out again. I thought that more people would call and make time to actually see me while I was there, and I was disappointed when I ended up seeing some people once (not CS~~, you're 8hrs away) or not at all. I saw Steph twice on my trip, and once was a total fluke because she ended up in NH when I was out there. It just makes you think, about the prospect that everyone is getting on with their lives and still moving forward, and that, no matter how much we may want, you can't just go back to how things were when you were younger.

I don't even know if I would want to. I was a pretty unhappy person when I was younger. And I think I'm finally on the right track in my life to be a happier person than I was then. 10-15 years ago, I was depressed, suicidal and in a situation I didn't have any control over. To think back on that reminds me that even though I've lost some of the friends I had then, I've still made new friends. More importantly, I'm a better person than I was then.

Enough reflecting.

Today I have to take my iPod back into the Apple Store and hope that it breaks this time, because it did last night, and it did it again last week. I'm hoping that the problem occurs in the store, unlike last week, so they can actually do something to fix it, because I'm pretty frustrated about the whole situation. It takes over an hour to resync my until music/movie collection onto it. That's right, I started a movie collection on it, and it's pretty fucking badass that I can watch TV shows and stuff on the freakin bus. Which, incidentally, does not stop the wanting for a bloody netbook.

My new apartment gets pretty warm when the sun's out. Southern facing windows ftw?

Dragon Age Origins is rocking my socks off right now. Such a fun game. I'm 25hrs into it, and working my way through the Deep Roads for the bloody pussy dwarves, the last mission before shit hits the fan with the politic baddie. I made Alistair proposition me, and I wonder if he'll get hurt if I boink the elf rogue? I can always buy his love back, I'm sure.

Taking a break from Aion, though, I really should just nose to the grindstone work out the last 220% of my level so I can go back to killing people and helping other people kill people. I don't want to play WoW, like Shattered and some of the Immortal people do. Boo to WoW, though, I admit, some base level of curiousity to seeing Icecrown Citadel. Such an addiction! Ugh. Cruising around a 310% drake is fun though.

Justin needs to get me a Demonoid invite. I want the other A23 rares album.
tokimi: (tired)
Shattered, from Aion, wants me to reactivate my WoW account and transfer to Lightbringer. And then I found out that Asha plays on Lightbringer, same faction as the WoW Immortal chapter, and then that was just weird to me. Not saying that I can't transfer, but I really just don't want to play at all.

I've taken something of a sabbatical from Aion at the moment, but I don't really know why I am. I've been enjoying RP a whole metric shit ton lately, and playing Dragon Age. One of the people who quit from BDI when I did just recently came back, and that makes me ridiculously happy. Asha's also gotten a hold of me lately after watching me play my dark elf bitch and we've been talking. I couldn't resist but to ask what happened with him and Dayna back in the day. I also found out that he's a career Marine, sorta like Aaron/Jeral, though not sure what the former's doing so much; the latter, I don't really talk to a whole lot since I'm not playing WoW anymore.

Finances should be -way- better this month, despite Christmas.

Took my iPod to the Apple store. Faulty cable? It worked fine in the store, on MY laptop of all things. Just makes me want to shoot a baby or something. She said that the older cables could've caused it, and that I should avoid using it. I was like... REALLY?? So lame. I took all this time to go to the stupid Apple store in U Village. That place is not very accessible by bus, kinda annoying. I mean, moar buses running moar or something would be nice.

Now I'm sleepy. Beth, the nurse practitioner that takes care of my meds was really excited that I went to bed early last night... which was to say, 12:30 or so. Earlier than now. But I've been getting sleepy earlier for some reason. Damn being old. Though I think it's bed time, seriously. I can get up and start the closet sorting process & bedroom sorting stuffs tomorrow.

PS: Calling SSCC tomorrow about their pastry program. Wheee~
tokimi: (contemplation)
I moved. It went fine. Almost completely settled in save for reorganizing the bedroom, which is going to be a chore, since that's where I shoved everything that I wasn't using immediately. Whee. The bookshelves are all set up, but I'm not sure I like where they are, but what can you do? Limited space and all of that rot.

Adam is, of course, quite comfortable no matter where he is. He has his food dish that is still being periodically refilled and he has some pillows to fur and to chill out on. That makes for a happy cat, I've learned. His water fountain has been set up. Yes, my cat has a water fountain, to encourage him to drink more water. That's what his old vet recommended, and so I got to take his babbling brook from my sister's house. It's very nice to listen to though, now that it's in the front room. I might have to set up my other decorative fountain now.

Olivia continues to redistribute cat toys between her house and mine. Everytime she comes over, she brings a new toy over for him. What's really funny is watching her run around trying to get him to play with her. He tolerates it for a while, but then he's obviously Had Enough, and starts to ignore her. I told Cory that Olivia needs a dog that will actually play with her.

I think I've somehow lost my entire collection of lami posters. Not sure how this happened, or where the hell they have gone to. Which is disappointing. But then, I wonder... am I out of that phase where I decorate with anime posters everywhere? I still mean to frame my Aspen posters and hang those. Maybe my Sandman by Yoshitaka Amano poster. Hmm.

Anyhow. Thanksgiving was fine. Turkey was fabulous, and yes, I'm just that amazing at cooking that it came out wonderful. Had a lot of good food and the company was pretty good too, even if I had just met Mandy's two housemates. Not much else to say about that, really. Christmas is coming, shopping will be done on Thursday.

Tomorrow, I take my iPod into the Apple store to have it looked at.

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Tokimi

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