Dec. 29th, 2009

tokimi: (blue)
A few things while I sit around here and chill out.

I discovered Pandora. I don't know why it's taken that long to figure this out. I'm always the last on the trend train. Still holding out against Facebook. Better than the radio, better than randomizing my playlist as it'll play stuff I don't have and should.

Kyle and I broke up. Largely due to the fact that he was unable to make time for me in our relationship. He'd say he'd call, and then never would. I don't begrudge him going out and having fun with his friends, but I do take exception to being put up on the shelf for days on end until -he- was ready to have a girlfriend again. I blame a lot of this on his age, of the pure self centered-ness of being that age, that some people don't seem to be ready to -share- their lives when in a relationship. If you can make time for video games, you should be able to make time for the person you claim to love. In the end, I just wasn't that important, and it fucking kills me to say it. Actions speak louder than words, and being able to let someone go, and to do anything -but- talk to them... In a relationship that is based on nothing but talking, when you aren't, there isn't much left.

What's torturing me now, is that in the week or so we've broken up, he's decided that he can message me more in this space of time, than he had in the entire month. I wasn't important enough until he lost me, again? It's difficult to say what's going on in his mind. Needless to say, I'm hurt, I'm crushed, and I'm going to move on because there isn't anything left in this relationship. As my friend said, "he's a lazy tardface" (direct quote) and that I'm too good for it. Gotta appreciate the way your friends will take care of you when they think you need it.

So of course, all of my insecurities have come back to the forefront. Not being good enough to fucking talk to, being abandoned or discarded... tie into the fact that at the same time, another online friend has apparently dropped me for no reason that I can discern, it's just eating away at me. "Friend" won't tell me and I finally told him off and called him off for not being man enough to tell me to my face why he's not talking to me. I suspect it's another ego trip of his. Being forgotten or discarded is the worst thing I can think of, the absolute horror to my mind, and it's happening in strange places and by more than one person. Enough to break fragile egos and self confidence.

But you know what? Fuck 'em. It's their loss. They'll grow up, maybe, someday, and realize what they done, and regret it.

Jessie's coming over tonight, and I'm working on picking things up a bit. She's allergic to cats, but she's just gonna have to suffer through Adam's presence and hanging about. He's still a good cat. I bet he's slept on the sheets under the futon. It seems like something he'd do. Sitting here innocently.

I beat Dragon Age on my first play through finally. Going through for a human noble now, female, though I should probably be playing a guy or something. Maybe on my next play through. Slogging through Aion slowly. Considering going back to WoW on Immortal's server, but not being a part of Immortal given that I quit the guild on Aion and pretty much called them out for some of their behaviour there, and the running of the chapter into the ground and the like. Oh well. But at least on Lightbringer, there's a few people I know. I'd like to start or get into a static 10 man group that didn't suck too much. It would be pretty nice, and having people that you can trust to do the work... etc. There's a lot of things I'd like to do with that.

I should comment on Christmas, but that could be another entry, I think.

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Tokimi

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