Question

May. 4th, 2009 03:04 am
tokimi: (shadowed)
How do you motivate yourself to do the shit that needs to be done?

I find myself ignoring things and never getting around to it, and so far nothing seems to be able to break this habit, no matter how many times I've tried to. Being as Nike suggests and "just doing it" doesn't ever seem to work, as much as it should?

Dream

Jul. 25th, 2007 12:28 pm
tokimi: (shadowed)
My day's gonna be all out of sorts now. I shot myself with a baretta at the end of the last dream I had. Dream self recalled that "well, at least it didn't hurt." I remember my dad being there, and a few other people, like being in a gym at school. I remember also when they were trying to calm me down, that I told them to just fix it already.

I'm gonna be all out of sorts today.
tokimi: (thinking)
I went to the Within Temptation with Amy. And Sandy brought Heather along, another person whom I hadn't seen in god knows how long. It was pretty cool, everyone seemed to click and we had a good time just standing in line to get into the concert itself. Because Amy and I had gotten there so early, we were near to the front, alongside one of the tour busses and we got to stake out a pretty good place in the venue to watch. We were in front of the railing in the back and beyond it being hot because there was no fan pointed on us there, it was still a good place to be. We could see over the main floor crowd and actually watch the show.

Stolen Babies had played first. I'd never heard of them before, but they were pretty good. The lead singer was so tiny! And she had a great screaming voice and could growl like the best of them. It was incredible. And she played an accordian as well, and that was just made of win all around. It was pretty fun to just watch her rock out on the accordian in the middle of songs. She also joked around about how bloody hot and nasty El Corazon was. Talked about how her face was going to melt off. And damn, it really was. I know that we were all sweating buckets and ended up finishing our bottles of water long before Stolen Babies went on first.

Following them was of course what Amy and I had really gone to go see. Within Temptation took the stage about 15 minutes after Stolen Babies finished. We watched the band and techs set up their instruments and do sound checks and tune their instruments. They darkened the stage down and turned on the dry ice machine and the green lights and began performing Our Solemn Hour. It was amazing. Sharon den Adel is an incredibly powerful vocalist. She was amazing. Within Temptation was just incredible live. You could hardly see the drummer, or the keyboardist because of how they were lighting the stage but even so... Damned, they just sounded awesome live. Sharon den Adel has this great stage presence, too, and could really get the crowd into the music. When they were performing What Have You Done, she got one of the audience members to sing the male vocals, and he did a great job, better, I daresay, than the guy on the studio version. I was not at all disappointed in seeing them or going on 2 hours of sleep to see them.

However, after Within Temptation's set, probably due to the lack of sleep, the heat and the lack of water ($2 for a 12oz bottle of water is retarded, but expected), I was feeling pretty faint. Amy and I had come and seen who we wanted, so we decided to leave, and said goodbye to Heather and Sandy. We didn't get to stay for The Gathering or Lacuna Coil, but I don't think I could've stayed for Lacuna Coil anyhow, given how late they were going to perform, anyhow and my curfew. I hadn't thought about staying out late because I hadn't expected it to run that late. That was my naivete. Sandy also told me later that she and Heather went ouside because they were feeling somewhat faint from the heat as well. So, yeah. El Corazon needs to invest in more fans or central air or something. The venue was entirely too hot.

The concert was a very high point in last week. Despite the repeated bouts of insomnia and over drugging myself with sleeping pills... Well, not over drugging really, it's more like when I was taking them, I would get completely knocked out for 10-12 hours. It was ridiculous. I don't think it's unreasonable to cut my dose back to 50mg instead of the perscribed 75mg because of the effect. I'm not sure what's causing it. Maybe I'll move my alarm clock to the other side of the room because I think I'm turning it off in the morning before I'm fully awake and that's somewhat problematic.

I know I've been stressing out about something. I just don't know what. I saw Liz on Monday and I discussed it with her and we were going through the list of things that could've caused it. It's not environmental because things in my environment haven't changed. It's not related to people, because nothing traumatic has happened with people around me. It's not medicinal, because I've been taking my medications faithfully. Liz was hypothosizing that it could just be a low point in the chemicals in my brain or some such thing and that's what's causing it. It's hard to say, I'm not a doctor so I don't really know at this point. I just sorta have to believe what they suggest, or take what they say on faith and what not.

I do know that I've been stressing about my fucking phone bill. The one that's $150 a month because I'm paying for two lines instead of my own because someone, namely Stephen, hasn't paid me back so I can break the contract. I mean, he owes me more than enough money to use to break the contract, but I can't do it because I can't pay for rent, my phone and then this stupid $200 contract breaking fee on TOP of that all. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I want to get it all taken care of, I just don't know what the hell to do about it. I've even been thinking about selling off my MLP collection to afford it because I can't display them right now and I know that I could get at least $200 for the whole damned thing. I don't want to sell them, I really don't. It's not just the atypical Margo pack rat type thing, I love my ponies, and I've spent a good deal of money collecting them in all of this time, and what have you. It's just that it's the only thing that I can think of that if I sold I could actually get some money for. I don't have anything else of value on hand.

It's frustrating me greatly. Maybe I should go really pathetic and take up a Paypal collection.

Note: Can only receive incoming calls at the moment. Lame, I know, but I went slightly over my spending limit and they're annoyed with me. I need to attempt to negotiate with them tomorrow, probably in person, on how to get this all taken care of. Contract breaking fee and all.

Justin and I've started talking again. I think I incited it when I ranted in my last substantial entry about my frustration with exes and owing me money. Nonetheless, he at least has a better excuse for why he hasn't paid me back than Stephen has. Of that, I appreciate, certainly. I'm still frustrated just because of the position that I am in at the moment, and that I'm having a difficult time negotiating out of it. But, at least he got a hold of me. Since then, the conversations have been mostly mild and lightly done, discussing things like music. I knew I had liked him for a reason, he was always very good about getting me new music or new songs by bands I had already been into. And, apparently, he had picked up Sara Douglass's books, um... the Wayfarer Redemption and what not. So we've been discussing that a little bit and that's been amusing me to some degree as well.

It's just odd I've got exes popping up and getting a hold of me again. Peter in April, whom I did not reply to because I don't trust his motivations or reasons as to why he would write me. I still suspect it has something to do with my rekindled association with Sean, but, who can say? It just seems as though it's been a strange last 6 months or so. Sean, then Peter, then Justin. I mean, who else is going to pop out of the wood work?

Well, and then there was that guy who told me he had been watching and reading my LJ for the last 3 years but had never tried to get a hold of me before that night. Which, I confess, was a little strange. I couldn't get a straight answer out of the guy. And I don't know if that bothered me more, or if was the whole "I've been reading, but not said anything" thing.

That's not to say that meeting people via LJ is a bad thing. I mean, I know people who met their fiancee through LJ. I've met some awesome people from Livejournal. No one in person that I hadn't met elsewhere, or anything like that, but, there are some very cool, introspective writers on my friend's list that I rather enjoy reading their journals. (Some of those people don't post anymore, sadly.) But yeah, I mean... I don't know if I could sit there for three years and claim to read someone's journal, crush on them via that journal and then never say anything to them. And harbour this crush for like... that long, and date someone else at the same time. And then when it's finally out, because you broke up with your girlfriend that day or week or whatever, you ask them right away if they have a chance. It's a bit strange. There's no basis for it beyond being mutually single. I mean, a lot more conversation would've had to been required.

On top of all of that, I'm e-crushing again. Not on Joel (Alveon!) this time, though, I love sending him bizarre messages about what crazy plots I will inevitably have to execute in order to fulfill my desire of shagging him rotton. (The last plot involved a trench coat and plastic wrap. You do the math.) He's a really sweet guy from my clan on retail, whom, apparently no one realized we had been talking. (Not (sexy/ebil)Josh, not (good)Josh -though, we're not in the same clan anymore, anyway, not Furry or Shy, either, in case anyone is wondering). It's hard to say if anything will or can come from it. I enjoy talking to him a good deal, and we've spoken on the phone a lot in the last week or two or so. I'm fairly certain he likes talking to me as well, which is always a good thing. He makes me laugh and is a good deal more down to earth in the face of rabid emotions than I am. But, we've got all of the hangups from last year and that has started to rear its head with a vengeance as of late, I blame the burgeoning depression.

Besides that, and all of those emotional hangups on past events and people, and emotional baggage and fears and all of that... I mean. I have other reasons to hold back. The fact that I need to focus on me right now. There's.... some tenuous, barely formed and never, ever acknowledged... -thing- with someone who shall remain anonymous due to the public nature of this post. And that -thing- I have with that person, it's hard to say what will come from that, just that I'd be a fucking idiot to mess it up. The -thing- is just not emotionally satisfying due to the sporadic nature of when we get to talk, and let's face it, I've always been a very, very needy person.

Ugh. Spectres and ghosts still haunt me. The ghost of Adam tinting this association. This other person and our -thing- and the potential for it to not be just some undefiniable -thing- but some sort of real relationship. And what? I'm a fucking dreamer. I want my happy ending. I almost said it would be a bloody happy ending, but um, the connotations are all wrong for it. I want to be happy. I want both these guys to be happy, that's just the sort of person I am. And I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that I can make them both happy, because, come on, who the hell really knows that? There's just a lot of stuff and baggage that's hanging over me, the -thing- and my e-crush. Not to mention, I really do need to focus on me, and I should stay away from real, acknowledged relationships because somehow, that will probably stress me even more. Besides, the e-crush thing is a new thing, I shouldn't force growth or for myself to trust. Must remember the lesson I learned from Adam.

Despite all of that, it's not particularly stressing me out. Things will move as they are meant to.

But enough on that, I don't really think I can sit here and blather on about the subject much more, anyhow. Or really, anything else.
tokimi: (duality)
So strange, LJ's birthday reminder working again. It's bizarre and... bizarre! Amazing. It's been a loooong ass time since they had last had it working so, I guess I sorta forgot about it. It likely won't help. It never helped when Semagic reminded me every night at midnight.

Life's been a bit slow in the last week or so. Been working on getting better, and I've only a very lingering cough. Otherwise, I'm hale again. Escept for the bump on my head. That was a tad annoying, but what can you do, really? It's here, it's queer, get used to it! Or something of that variety, I'm not even very sure.

Beyond getting involved on St0rm's L2 server, again, despite better judgement, nothing really has been going on. It's a little sad. Due to fighting with DSHS and my cold, I had to put off both my psych eval and my therapist appointment with Liz twice. I've seen the nurse practionier, I'm being doctor monitored for my medication again, and all of you that were worried can relax. Though, I hazard a guess that only my sister was really worried about it. Le sigh.

Stress... or at least worries have been building up. Most importantedly whenever I look at my phone bill and note that it's double what it should be because I am still paying for a second line. You know, the second line that I got because I was being nice (naive) and generous and wanted to help Stephen out with and added and got fucked over with in the end. The second line that costs $200 to break so I can restore my contract to what it was -prior- because it's technically a second contract or some shit and I have to break it and thus pay for the fee. The second line that I don't use, that he's never paid me for and that I am still paying for. It drives me crazy. I'm spending $150/mo on a stupid phone line (half of the money I get, mind you) that I don't even use. That I added because it wasn't a big deal to add when he was going to be paying for his half. But he never did, Margo got fucked and there we are.

On top of that, the other ex, Justin, who also owes me money, still hasn't. After promising to deliver in February or March. What's frustrating is that it was promised (twice? three times?) and so far, nothing. But I suppose, it's too much to expect. Stupid faith in people.

Lee's showing up on MSN but we haven't talked. I'm angry about it, still. About the whole just waltzing back online after 6-8 months like nothing had happened, offering no explainations, not bothering to set anything straight. Yeah, okay, everyone has shit going on in their life, everyone has problems and issues and crap that they have to deal with, but does that mean it's fair to just gloss on subjects like this?

I'm starting to stress out, I can feel it. I'm listless, I'm easily annoyed and agitated, I'm losing interest in hobbies... I don't know. Bad signs, bad signs. I need to speak with Liz and try to work something out, I guess. I need to purge it more, I need to get more of this frustration out, I just... don't know how at the moment.

Just trying to get through shit. Can't fall apart again.

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Tokimi

June 2011

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