tokimi: (help)
So I finally bought "Alex & Me" by Dr. Irene Pepperberg. She wrote the book sometime after Alex had died, and the first chapter is all about the outpouring of support for her following his death. She includes several exerpts from emails and cards that had been sent to her expressing sympathy for her.

I cried like a baby. I was in the back seat of Cory's mini van, heading back up to Seattle, reading the book, Olivia jabbering away, with tears streaming down my face as I read the first chapter. My niece even stopped and asked me if I was ok, because I was crying so much.

Who knew that the death of a parrot that I hadn't ever met would effect me so much? I remember crying when I read the news article originally. It was because of Alex that we actually got Murphy.

Saw my mother for the first time in 3 years two weeks ago. I went to see my grandmother, my mother was there, inevitably. I didn't want her to touch me, but I obliged with a hug the first time, but not the second as we were leaving.

Cory and I made apple butter this last weekend. I have jars for Christina, Regan and my friend/guildmate, Snow, who lives in Puyullap. I also made brownies and cookies for Kyle which I need to mail out.

Picked up a vacuum and some clothes to work out in. And a skull pillow. I love Halloween.

I wonder if I'm sliding into a depression again. I'm not eating as much, or getting hungry, and I'm sleeping and feeling sleepy a lot more. Good thing I see Regan today so I can ask her what she thinks about it.


Sep. 1st, 2008 12:23 am
tokimi: (magic)
So, I finished the Twilight series. And they aren't that bad, the writing wasn't spectacular, the intense love at first sight thing a bit too much, even for the sake of the story, and some of it was a bit contrived... Now that I think on it, the first person view, the fact that all the boys seem to want the main character, the clumsy, self deprecating main character from a somewhat broken home, the fact that said main character also not only has a penchant for over theatrics, but that she repeatedly stupidly throws herself into danger to save the day, sorta reminds me of either Usagi of Sailormoon or some of the less Sue-ish self insertion fanfic authors. The ending was rather anticlimatic for the last book, and that was a little annoying, but I suppose I've being a bit over critical. The books read rather fast, there weren't a lot of attempts at subterfuge, and very, very little came off as surprising throughout all of the novels. But, on the other hand, they were entertaining, and let's face it, when it comes down to it, I love a little bit of the forbidden love aspect. I'm a sucker for it, in fact.

The only other disturbing fact I notice, having read the books, is now I want to RP some vampirey goodness, or some forbidden love, or something like that. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to do this with. AND. I don't really want to add to atrocious Twilight fanfics that I'm sure are cropping up like the plague all over the internet. Don't get me wrong, I've written atrocious fanfiction, I like -some- fanfiction... but it looks like the majority of the people who are fangirls of the series are probably 14 or something and chances are, can't write for shit. Huzzah. I don't want to be a fangirl. I will not write fanfiction.

Ugh. I almost miss my old VTM days on IRC. Who am I kidding, I really do miss the old VTM days... I miss the old school, elitest whore RP I used to do. Damn everyone for scattering to the winds for no discernable reason.

So, I'm chilling at my sister's place for the moment. Prolly going home on Tuesday. Well, I have to go home on Tuesday, I see Regen that day, so, have to bus back up to Seattle.

It's September. I can't believe it's September. The year feels almost over. Halloween is near, and then it's just a tumble into the end of the year holidays. Which seems so odd it's hard to describe. Time seems to move so fast now, I wonder if this is just a symptom of growing older. I could do without it. I'll be 30 forever and alone. I do not thrill at this idea.

Being crazy definitely has some downsides.

PS: Murphy is crazy, too. I can't wait to have my emo parrot back.
PS pt2: Stephanie Meyer thanks Muse in her books, and acknowledges them as well. It doesn't surprise me that she would be listening to something like -Muse- to write those books.
tokimi: (contemplation)
Everyone keeps telling me that I ought to update my livejournal. Well. I can't even say it's everyone, because the number of people who read it are few and far between, so I guess that's just a bit of an exageration. Either way, not really a big deal? It's healthy for me to write, and I really should be trying to write more. Sometimes, I just sit at the keyboard and not write. Or I do something else, but essentially, it's the same thing and it's not writing.

Right now, however, there are few other things for me to be doing. I'm in the car, on I-5 and we'd just crossed the bridge into Washington.

I slept rather well. But that could've been the awesome pile of pillows, or the fact that I was drunk at the time. Either way, I slept well, even without my nightcap of jaegerbomb, which is just as well when you consider that taking a shot of an energy drink right before sleep is counterproductive.

It's Easter weekend. At Olivia's birthday party, Mandy had asked if she and her boyfriend, Darren, could come over to Cory's place for Easter. Originally, Cory hadn't had any really big plans for Easter. Our family's got 2-3 holidays that require get togethers. And Easter really isn't one of them. But then we decided anyway to go over and do something, regardless. A quiet, small affair, without much ado.

Mandy messaged me a few days ago to let me know that I could hook a ride with her, Darren and Tina on their way to Portland. It only occurred to me on Thursday, that if they were going all the way to Portland, who's to say that I shouldn't come with them and harass Melanie and her husband, whom I had never met? Which was exactly what I did.

Melanie and I got together, and waited for Melanie's ex roommate, Melinda, whom I had known and was excited to see too, to come and meet us. We had snacks at some restaurant's happy hour and chilled out before going back to Melanie's place. Stephen, he husband, was at work. We chatted, eventually got some liquor, and started watching Pan's Labyrinth, which I had borrowed from Mandy, but like a retard, had never actually bothered to watch until I was supposed to return it. After Melinda had to leave, Melanie and I nursed our respective girly drinks for a few hours before Stephen came home, which is when we started doing shots. I learned new apprreciated for Jaeger, and tequila, and that there is a huge difference between good tequila and nasty tequilia.

We didn't have a lot of time to hang out in the morning, but we had stayed up late, and had a good time nonetheless. It had been 3 1/2 years or so since I had seen Melanie. I had never met Stephen, whom she had started dating a few months after I had last seen her. So it was good to catch up and hang out and just chill out. And of course, meet Stephen. He seems like good people, and I hadn't anticipated having much in common with him, but we did. He's a scifi geek and can, at the least, appreciate the gaming thing.

I left half a bottle of Malibu rum at Mel's place. Which means I need to go and collect it. Thinking of going to visit the weekend of my birthday if Cory and I don't make plans for a joint birthday thing.

Which brings us to the present, being in the car, driving back to Washington, and to Olympia, to hang out for the rest of the weekend at Cory's place. This was the first time that I had met Mandy's boyfriend, but he's pretty easy going and seems like a good guy. I guess I'm the only one who dates odd and strange people...?

Things have been a bit quieter for me, overall. With perhaps the notable exception of last weekend, prior to actually going to Cory's place for Olivia's birthday party. I woke up, and for inexplicable reasons, I didn't feel like going to Cory's place for the party. Despite being rather excited to see Olivia and watch her open presents and everything of the sort. It was a rather hard thing for me to even explain, and I don't think I even did, not even when I was trying to explain it to Regen in my next daily session with her. I went through quite a range of emotions that morning.

I called Cory, to try to tender my regrets for not going, or to ask her to convince me otherwise. In between serious strings of conversation, she commented on how Olivia would know that I wasn't there now, because she was old enough to recognize people. Emotional blackmail! Which was on a less serious note of the conversation, of course, she wasn't actually trying to guilt me into coming. There wasn't a real reason for not wanting to go, but there we are, and there was no explaination, and even now, really isn't.

I had made the decision to call and let Mandy know, who was going to pick me up on her way to Olympia.... Which reminds me, I had originally meant to go to Oly the day before, on my own, and I had been out cold until 3-4pm, which thoroughly and effectively scratches those plans. It's why I was going down with Mandy the next day. Anyhow, I had called to let Mandy know that she wouldn't be needing to stop in downtown. She told me that she was going to come and stop by anyhow, just to check in on me. When I got off the phone with her, for some reason, I started to cry hysterically. I was deeply upset by something, but for the life of me, I couldn't begin to explain. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and I am well aware of it.

Telephone tag with my sisters, to let Cory know that Mandy was stopping by, and for company until Mandy did show up. And then we sat around for about an hour, going through the photographs I had recently discovered in one of the boxes I had moved out of Cory's house (finally!) and had rescued from the mess that is our mother's house a few years ago. To spare the meter, Mandy wanted to go check on the car, and we did so, driving around the block. We saw the best little toy store ever, which is only really 2-3 blocks from my place, Magic Mouse Toys. It's where I had picked up my pirate flag in the old place and hung behind Murphy's cage. Anyhow. I suggested we stop there to see if I could find something for Olivia, because shopping for a three year old is a lot harder than you would expect.

I'm not sure how this turned to deciding to go to Olympia after all, but it did, and we went back to my place, so I could throw a few things into a bag to go. We were going to stop at Magic Mouse, but I changed my mind (again!) and told her to just get on the highway, because I didn't want to change my mind again until it was too late. Which is how I ended up going to Olivia's birthday party anyhow. I don't regret it. I came home that night as that Mandy decided to leave early to work on her paper due on Monday or Tuesday.

I started DBT two weeks ago, finally. It seems that once again, I'm moving forward in my overall progression of plans with finally getting into the group therapy part of DBT.

Trying to be aware of all of these things is difficult sometimes, more difficult than I would've thought possible. It seems so silly to even say so, but there it is.

Written Saturday, posted now, incomplete because I realized that if I didn't post it now, it may never get online. Incomplete, for another day, I guess.

Oh, and the newest Birthday Massacre album rocks.
tokimi: (hidden)
I guess it's good to know that there are still people in my life that when I fight with them, I get absolutely devestated because we're fighting. I don't think a lot of people would call this a good thing, but it's good to know, for me, that there are people that matter that much in my life. In a weird sort of way. I guess there's just a few people that getting into an actual fight with them will shake me up and put me out of place for a while. And then things get solved, mended or fixed in some way or another, and all is right with the world again.

On the flip side, it's -bad- to realize that there are people in life who don't seem to care enough. You drop everything you're doing to go and comfort, console and make sure they're okay, but tell them something like you're slipping into a depression or some such, and you get absolutely no response and are ignored for the rest of the night. Tell them straight up that they're driving you crazy with their apparent lack of interest, and nothing. What does it mean? For someone who used to play those juevenile games of waiting to be messaged by their friends instead of messaging them all the time, to make sure they wanted to talk to you, it means that they don't care as much about you as you did them.

I was in Cory's van with Mandy driving when Mandy hit one of the concrete pylons in the Target garage. Passenger side, the comment, "Are you sure this is two lanes?" preceding the actual accident. Everyone okay. Hell, Olivia didn't even wake up, but there was some damage done to the van. Mandy was pretty upset, understandably, but she calmed down after a while. I hope she went to the football game, still, hell, I hope UW won, though, I don't think they did. I don't follow college football, but there were a lot of Oregon people here, so, for us, I hope they won.

Moving this weekend. Hopefully my phone will be on.

Blah, just writing this is hard. I keep pulling up Freecell, I keep looking around my room, changing my music, looking at my contact list or books that are on my desk and the like. I keep checking IRC despite the fact I'm only in ONE channel at the moment and that's with a person who's at work for the next few hours. Attention span is very limited right now.
tokimi: (help)
Can't sleep. Gonna end up taking sleeping pills to assist with that.

Need to speak with my old-therapist's supervisor. Things haven't been going well. Everything's a step backwards despite getting permanent housing. My uncle's taking forever about my trust fund money, my phone's off because of it. I'm cut off from people I need to be able to reach. My sister didn't call me like she said she was going to this last weekend. I'm getting edgier, and more despondant, and I can -tell- things are getting worse. I can't concentrate on my writing, even when I try. I need to speak with someone, and get back on track with my therapy.
tokimi: (thinking)
I went to the Within Temptation with Amy. And Sandy brought Heather along, another person whom I hadn't seen in god knows how long. It was pretty cool, everyone seemed to click and we had a good time just standing in line to get into the concert itself. Because Amy and I had gotten there so early, we were near to the front, alongside one of the tour busses and we got to stake out a pretty good place in the venue to watch. We were in front of the railing in the back and beyond it being hot because there was no fan pointed on us there, it was still a good place to be. We could see over the main floor crowd and actually watch the show.

Stolen Babies had played first. I'd never heard of them before, but they were pretty good. The lead singer was so tiny! And she had a great screaming voice and could growl like the best of them. It was incredible. And she played an accordian as well, and that was just made of win all around. It was pretty fun to just watch her rock out on the accordian in the middle of songs. She also joked around about how bloody hot and nasty El Corazon was. Talked about how her face was going to melt off. And damn, it really was. I know that we were all sweating buckets and ended up finishing our bottles of water long before Stolen Babies went on first.

Following them was of course what Amy and I had really gone to go see. Within Temptation took the stage about 15 minutes after Stolen Babies finished. We watched the band and techs set up their instruments and do sound checks and tune their instruments. They darkened the stage down and turned on the dry ice machine and the green lights and began performing Our Solemn Hour. It was amazing. Sharon den Adel is an incredibly powerful vocalist. She was amazing. Within Temptation was just incredible live. You could hardly see the drummer, or the keyboardist because of how they were lighting the stage but even so... Damned, they just sounded awesome live. Sharon den Adel has this great stage presence, too, and could really get the crowd into the music. When they were performing What Have You Done, she got one of the audience members to sing the male vocals, and he did a great job, better, I daresay, than the guy on the studio version. I was not at all disappointed in seeing them or going on 2 hours of sleep to see them.

However, after Within Temptation's set, probably due to the lack of sleep, the heat and the lack of water ($2 for a 12oz bottle of water is retarded, but expected), I was feeling pretty faint. Amy and I had come and seen who we wanted, so we decided to leave, and said goodbye to Heather and Sandy. We didn't get to stay for The Gathering or Lacuna Coil, but I don't think I could've stayed for Lacuna Coil anyhow, given how late they were going to perform, anyhow and my curfew. I hadn't thought about staying out late because I hadn't expected it to run that late. That was my naivete. Sandy also told me later that she and Heather went ouside because they were feeling somewhat faint from the heat as well. So, yeah. El Corazon needs to invest in more fans or central air or something. The venue was entirely too hot.

The concert was a very high point in last week. Despite the repeated bouts of insomnia and over drugging myself with sleeping pills... Well, not over drugging really, it's more like when I was taking them, I would get completely knocked out for 10-12 hours. It was ridiculous. I don't think it's unreasonable to cut my dose back to 50mg instead of the perscribed 75mg because of the effect. I'm not sure what's causing it. Maybe I'll move my alarm clock to the other side of the room because I think I'm turning it off in the morning before I'm fully awake and that's somewhat problematic.

I know I've been stressing out about something. I just don't know what. I saw Liz on Monday and I discussed it with her and we were going through the list of things that could've caused it. It's not environmental because things in my environment haven't changed. It's not related to people, because nothing traumatic has happened with people around me. It's not medicinal, because I've been taking my medications faithfully. Liz was hypothosizing that it could just be a low point in the chemicals in my brain or some such thing and that's what's causing it. It's hard to say, I'm not a doctor so I don't really know at this point. I just sorta have to believe what they suggest, or take what they say on faith and what not.

I do know that I've been stressing about my fucking phone bill. The one that's $150 a month because I'm paying for two lines instead of my own because someone, namely Stephen, hasn't paid me back so I can break the contract. I mean, he owes me more than enough money to use to break the contract, but I can't do it because I can't pay for rent, my phone and then this stupid $200 contract breaking fee on TOP of that all. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I want to get it all taken care of, I just don't know what the hell to do about it. I've even been thinking about selling off my MLP collection to afford it because I can't display them right now and I know that I could get at least $200 for the whole damned thing. I don't want to sell them, I really don't. It's not just the atypical Margo pack rat type thing, I love my ponies, and I've spent a good deal of money collecting them in all of this time, and what have you. It's just that it's the only thing that I can think of that if I sold I could actually get some money for. I don't have anything else of value on hand.

It's frustrating me greatly. Maybe I should go really pathetic and take up a Paypal collection.

Note: Can only receive incoming calls at the moment. Lame, I know, but I went slightly over my spending limit and they're annoyed with me. I need to attempt to negotiate with them tomorrow, probably in person, on how to get this all taken care of. Contract breaking fee and all.

Justin and I've started talking again. I think I incited it when I ranted in my last substantial entry about my frustration with exes and owing me money. Nonetheless, he at least has a better excuse for why he hasn't paid me back than Stephen has. Of that, I appreciate, certainly. I'm still frustrated just because of the position that I am in at the moment, and that I'm having a difficult time negotiating out of it. But, at least he got a hold of me. Since then, the conversations have been mostly mild and lightly done, discussing things like music. I knew I had liked him for a reason, he was always very good about getting me new music or new songs by bands I had already been into. And, apparently, he had picked up Sara Douglass's books, um... the Wayfarer Redemption and what not. So we've been discussing that a little bit and that's been amusing me to some degree as well.

It's just odd I've got exes popping up and getting a hold of me again. Peter in April, whom I did not reply to because I don't trust his motivations or reasons as to why he would write me. I still suspect it has something to do with my rekindled association with Sean, but, who can say? It just seems as though it's been a strange last 6 months or so. Sean, then Peter, then Justin. I mean, who else is going to pop out of the wood work?

Well, and then there was that guy who told me he had been watching and reading my LJ for the last 3 years but had never tried to get a hold of me before that night. Which, I confess, was a little strange. I couldn't get a straight answer out of the guy. And I don't know if that bothered me more, or if was the whole "I've been reading, but not said anything" thing.

That's not to say that meeting people via LJ is a bad thing. I mean, I know people who met their fiancee through LJ. I've met some awesome people from Livejournal. No one in person that I hadn't met elsewhere, or anything like that, but, there are some very cool, introspective writers on my friend's list that I rather enjoy reading their journals. (Some of those people don't post anymore, sadly.) But yeah, I mean... I don't know if I could sit there for three years and claim to read someone's journal, crush on them via that journal and then never say anything to them. And harbour this crush for like... that long, and date someone else at the same time. And then when it's finally out, because you broke up with your girlfriend that day or week or whatever, you ask them right away if they have a chance. It's a bit strange. There's no basis for it beyond being mutually single. I mean, a lot more conversation would've had to been required.

On top of all of that, I'm e-crushing again. Not on Joel (Alveon!) this time, though, I love sending him bizarre messages about what crazy plots I will inevitably have to execute in order to fulfill my desire of shagging him rotton. (The last plot involved a trench coat and plastic wrap. You do the math.) He's a really sweet guy from my clan on retail, whom, apparently no one realized we had been talking. (Not (sexy/ebil)Josh, not (good)Josh -though, we're not in the same clan anymore, anyway, not Furry or Shy, either, in case anyone is wondering). It's hard to say if anything will or can come from it. I enjoy talking to him a good deal, and we've spoken on the phone a lot in the last week or two or so. I'm fairly certain he likes talking to me as well, which is always a good thing. He makes me laugh and is a good deal more down to earth in the face of rabid emotions than I am. But, we've got all of the hangups from last year and that has started to rear its head with a vengeance as of late, I blame the burgeoning depression.

Besides that, and all of those emotional hangups on past events and people, and emotional baggage and fears and all of that... I mean. I have other reasons to hold back. The fact that I need to focus on me right now. There's.... some tenuous, barely formed and never, ever acknowledged... -thing- with someone who shall remain anonymous due to the public nature of this post. And that -thing- I have with that person, it's hard to say what will come from that, just that I'd be a fucking idiot to mess it up. The -thing- is just not emotionally satisfying due to the sporadic nature of when we get to talk, and let's face it, I've always been a very, very needy person.

Ugh. Spectres and ghosts still haunt me. The ghost of Adam tinting this association. This other person and our -thing- and the potential for it to not be just some undefiniable -thing- but some sort of real relationship. And what? I'm a fucking dreamer. I want my happy ending. I almost said it would be a bloody happy ending, but um, the connotations are all wrong for it. I want to be happy. I want both these guys to be happy, that's just the sort of person I am. And I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that I can make them both happy, because, come on, who the hell really knows that? There's just a lot of stuff and baggage that's hanging over me, the -thing- and my e-crush. Not to mention, I really do need to focus on me, and I should stay away from real, acknowledged relationships because somehow, that will probably stress me even more. Besides, the e-crush thing is a new thing, I shouldn't force growth or for myself to trust. Must remember the lesson I learned from Adam.

Despite all of that, it's not particularly stressing me out. Things will move as they are meant to.

But enough on that, I don't really think I can sit here and blather on about the subject much more, anyhow. Or really, anything else.


tokimi: (Default)

June 2011

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