tokimi: (cheshire)
One of my friends just posted on their LJ about how they wished they could just pack up and leave, moving 3000+ miles away. In retrospect, that's exactly what I did when I graduated. I think, when I was in New England this summer, I was a bit disappointed and deluded about how everyone I still talked to would be happy to see me, to hang out again. I thought that more people would call and make time to actually see me while I was there, and I was disappointed when I ended up seeing some people once (not CS~~, you're 8hrs away) or not at all. I saw Steph twice on my trip, and once was a total fluke because she ended up in NH when I was out there. It just makes you think, about the prospect that everyone is getting on with their lives and still moving forward, and that, no matter how much we may want, you can't just go back to how things were when you were younger.

I don't even know if I would want to. I was a pretty unhappy person when I was younger. And I think I'm finally on the right track in my life to be a happier person than I was then. 10-15 years ago, I was depressed, suicidal and in a situation I didn't have any control over. To think back on that reminds me that even though I've lost some of the friends I had then, I've still made new friends. More importantly, I'm a better person than I was then.

Enough reflecting.

Today I have to take my iPod back into the Apple Store and hope that it breaks this time, because it did last night, and it did it again last week. I'm hoping that the problem occurs in the store, unlike last week, so they can actually do something to fix it, because I'm pretty frustrated about the whole situation. It takes over an hour to resync my until music/movie collection onto it. That's right, I started a movie collection on it, and it's pretty fucking badass that I can watch TV shows and stuff on the freakin bus. Which, incidentally, does not stop the wanting for a bloody netbook.

My new apartment gets pretty warm when the sun's out. Southern facing windows ftw?

Dragon Age Origins is rocking my socks off right now. Such a fun game. I'm 25hrs into it, and working my way through the Deep Roads for the bloody pussy dwarves, the last mission before shit hits the fan with the politic baddie. I made Alistair proposition me, and I wonder if he'll get hurt if I boink the elf rogue? I can always buy his love back, I'm sure.

Taking a break from Aion, though, I really should just nose to the grindstone work out the last 220% of my level so I can go back to killing people and helping other people kill people. I don't want to play WoW, like Shattered and some of the Immortal people do. Boo to WoW, though, I admit, some base level of curiousity to seeing Icecrown Citadel. Such an addiction! Ugh. Cruising around a 310% drake is fun though.

Justin needs to get me a Demonoid invite. I want the other A23 rares album.
tokimi: (thinking)
* Moving into a one bedroom apartment. Fifth floor, southern facing windows, much larger. I'll get the layout all figured out soon. Super excited about this. I plan on saving money to get a real bed.

* The cable company will make me go 2 days (gasp!!) without internets in the new place. Fuckers.

* The cable company cannot switch my phone service over until the 30th. I don't know why. Not a big deal.

* Adam will not be able to fur the fuck out of my stuff anymore. This will make him sad, I'm sure.

* My iPod has to go to the doctor and I'm taking it to the University Village store. It was repeatedly crashing iTunes earlier, and it wouldn't sync. Everytime I plug it in, I have to restore it.

* Neighbours who do not have awesome stereo systems should not try to start music wars with those who do. It will not end well. I plugged in my 2.1 desktop speakers, put the subwoofer on his wall, and let it rip. Techno and Bollywood. Fuck you, dude.

* Level 47 on Aion, should be 48 before the move. When I get back, everyone will probably be 50, and they'll have to wait on me to go to Dark Poeta. Haha. Sucks to be them. Absinthe is finally in armor that's not pink.

* Kyle moved back home, has a new job, looking into a second part time things, and sounds worlds happier now than he has been in several months. Which in turn makes me happy for him, so it's this circle of happiness that happens like that.

* Thanksgiving will be at Mandy's place. I will still be zee cook, as to be expected. It's fun, and I never have to do the dishes. It's awesome.

* I still want a netbook. Now more than ever, because I keep wanting to write late at night, but then I realize that I'd have to boot up my laptop. With a netbook, at least, I can still be on IRC and talking to people when I have to mail off my laptop to Gateway to be fixed since it keeps overheating. Which sucks.

* Laptop is overheating when I game. Which sucks, because it's a gaming rig, and shouldn't. My daddy says it shouldn't, so I believe him.

* Already done my Christmas shopping, just have to hit the order button, which happens in December. Not sure if I'll do Christmas cards.

* I'm running a slaver ring and a crime syndicate on BDI. I finally get to knock up my elf chick. Sweet. Baby-daddy is 5000 years old. Freakin' elves.
tokimi: (kiss)
Sorceror & Chanter )

Kyle and me in game, being dorks.
tokimi: (contemplation)
Just wanted to make a note, again, about how insane the character creation is on Aion. The game launched on Tuesday, and it's been a lot of fun.

The screenshot's taken just after I hit 25. I redyed my armor purple, and went to change our legion banner thing. Max graphical settings, so the game looks -amazing-.

Anyhow, Absinthe, my Chanter )

Aion

Sep. 12th, 2009 05:21 am
tokimi: (nonchallance)
Aion launches in 10 days.

For anyone who's interested, going to be playing Asmodian, on Vaizel at launch. A Chanter named Absinthe, and a Sorceror named Nemamiah. The legion name is still to be determined at this point. Something not nerdy; and apparently Super Best Friends is too gay, though hilarious.
tokimi: (waiting)
I keep meaning to update in a fuller capacity and I haven't really done it.

There's only a few key points to note at the moment.

* Kyle messaged me a few weeks ago and we talked things over. Our relationship is on the mend. He initiated our initial conversation, and I said a lot of things that I had refrained from since that day in July we had broken up. I do mean to fully explain this in the future, so, stay tuned? I've told my sisters and some of my friends about it already, and I just haven't quite committed it here, though I mean to. I understand that some people may feel this is the wrong choice, but as I've already explained to my sisters and my therapist, it feels right somehow, and I hesitate about ignoring my gut feeling.

* Sherzad, aka Tekno died last year in August. I know there are several people on my friend's list who knew the guy, and felt that they too should know about this. It did take a year for me to find out about this, and even longer for me to remember his last name to look up how since the original source of information didn't know how. (I heard it from Justin, who heard it from some girl that apparently knew Sherz, and her information was sketchy at best.) Apparently, it was a car accident, and I believe he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. Any other details beyond that, I'm not sure. He left behind an adorable little girl named Samantha.

* They finally removed the desk thing from my apartment. Quite anticlimatic after the other two topics, but I am inordinately pleased about it, and have been planning to organize about it. I am still in the decision process about fully retiring my desktop or not, as I've moved almost everything worth saving from it onto the second harddrive on my laptop, which my dad bought me during my trip out east. Planning a trip to Ikea the coming weekend to buy another media shelf and a dresser. I had miscalculated on the capacity of the shelves I bought before I went on the epic road trip. (Picture here.) I'm in the process of rehoming things and waiting on the Ikea trip to further organize. I'm hanging up posters, and discovered I have a Luis Royo print that was still in shrink wrap in one of my poster tubes. I'm not sure where I got this or when.

* Aion launches in less than a month. Excited about this as WoW has just gotten duller and duller and the latest announcement regarding the next expansion just looks boring and somewhat anticlimatic. The latest raid has been boring as well, and it's only because they've released one boss a week that people haven't blown through the content quickly.

* I still need to resize the photos from my trip and post them online. I should sit down and do that at some point.

* I've started RPing again, after nearly 18 months or longer in hiatus. It's refreshing. I have a short story I wrote earlier this year that I mean to post on my LJ for more feedback. Decky has been abyssmal at such things as he recognizes the main character and keeps going on about how she should be more faithful to the personality he knows of her, rather than taking the story at face value. I'm still waiting on his essay. I started going through past logs of certain characters, and I still get that same squicky feeling from a certain scene played out more than 6 years ago. Crazy.

* I'm adopting Cory's cat, Adam, because he's recently begun to fight with his sister, Aurora. We're not sure why. And Adam loves me. So I'm taking him. I miss having a cat, though I'm sure in a few weeks, I'll be ready to climb the walls with having to deal with a cat on my laptop or pawing through my hair at night when I want to sleep. We'll see!
tokimi: (blushing)
So.

So many things I could be writing about right now. But only a few lines, since I can't seem to sit down for long enough to write all of those things.

There's still a lot of stuff I need to do. And want to do. And want to make of my life. I want a house, I want my marvelous, custom built kitchen. I want a couple of cats, a dog or two, and Murphy (who will not be renamed Bread). I want to be a pastry chef. But to do all that, got to straighten shit out first. Always had a reason, never had much motivation until the last few months.

I'm actually pretty happy (content!) most of the time, when not in fits or episodes of anxiety, crazy or depression; those having come much less frequent, though. I'm inspired to work on all of those things I've been putting off in therapy. And those quirks that seem to entirely wreck my universe that are mostly of my own design. I attribute this to mostly to one of the most amazing people I've been blessed to meet. I don't know how they do it, but they do, and it's incredible to me. I'm very happy to have met them, and I'm glad that they're in my life. I will no doubt go on about (----) in the future, but for the moment, this being a quick update that's not entirely about them, it's not the time.

I have hesitated in writing about (----) for a few months now, and I don't particularly know why. Sometimes, things are like a bubble and the slightest outside pressure can pop it.

I'm 25 now. And it freaked me out for a while. I think I'm okay with it. I told (----), about something in their life, that it's a transitional period, that just because things are crappy now, doesn't mean they always will be. And really, it's the same thing, about my life. It's just easier to tell someone else that, than it is to believe it yourself.

Mandy and I went to the ballet a few days after my birthday, because they were performing Swan Lake, and it's been one of my favourite pieces of music for ages. I cried at the end of it, it was so moving, so beautiful. I will probably make an effort to go back and see Swan Lake everytime it's performed at the PNW Ballet after that. I really enjoyed the performance. I still mean to go to an opera at some point, but there's only two I really want to see, namely Don Giovanni and Aida.

My lip ring's been healing up pretty nicely. I got my ears all gauged up to 18s, including my cartiledge piercing. I thought they would all hurt a LOT more than they did. It was very anticlimatic. I'm thinking of maybe gauging my lowest earring to 14 or 12 to put in some of the more interesting pyrex "squid" pieces of jewelry. I'll have to look up some pics later. This being a quick update before I lose the determination to write.

I quit the WoW guild I had helped build and ran for the last 5 months. Pointedly, it had gotten to be a lot of stress. When I spend the first half hour or more of every nightly conversation with (----) bitching about it, it's gone too far. It wasn't fun anymore. It was more work than it should've been, and I shouldn't have been the only person busting their ass to make it all work out. After nearly a 2 month ultimatum, it's how things fell out. I admit to quitting in a fit of utter frustration and some what emo-ness, but it wasn't a huge surprise, and shouldn't have been, for the officers that it happened. I'd been saying I wanted to if things hadn't changed. And they didn't. In the two short weeks since I quit, the whole guild has fallen apart, which, in my opinion, pretty much underscores the fact that I had been single handedly running the guild.

Anyhow.

Lastly. [livejournal.com profile] quarla might need a traveling buddy for when she moves out to NY in late July. She asked me if I wanted to come, and offered to help pay for plane tickets to Socal and then back to Seattle. I'm heavily considering doing it, as it'll be a blast driving cross country again, and to see more of the sights (and maybe peoples along the way, [livejournal.com profile] dmoira). And it's a chance to see everyone back in NH whom I haven't seen since I graduated high school in 2002. I have no doubt that I can convince someone to meet us halfway in Burlington, Vermont to make the Margo exchange so I could go back to NH for a week or two and then fly out of Manchester or Boston to head home. It would be awesome to see everyone back east again, it's been so long. I need to email my dad about it, and see about his plans.

And that's all I'm committing to for right now. Once again, I'll try to write more again in the future, but I say that alot, and it never comes through.
tokimi: (smirk)
I guess I could take the time, while I sit in this ridiculously long queue, to report of at least my gaming doings as of late.

* Took over the reformed guild in WoW. Pros and cons abound this. Pros, it seems to be working out for the guild as a whole, the cons being that the drama that sometimes occurs is horrible and so stressful. The old GM quit abruptly and left the guild to the highest ranking person online at the time, the recruiter, a friend of mine. He turned it over to me as one of two officers after the GM left. I've been running it since February.
---I made them suffer through the only progression we have tonight, 3 hours straight of 3 drakes up in 25 man Obsidian Sanctum. We were steadily getting better. Damien and I think this is largely due to the copious amounts of Eye of the Tiger being played.
---I have threatened to DE "all their fucking shit if they didn't get their fucking dragons off the god damned fucking chest" one night in Malygos. They do not stand on the chest anymore.

* Bought a gaming laptop, a Gateway FX and it's so sexy, I almost want to make passionate, impotent geek love to it.

* Bought a DS Lite, in silver. I want game recommendations.

* Downloaded the Chinese Open Beta client for AION. With the help of Kyle (previously unmentioned from WoW), the client's now in English. It's this queue I've been sitting in for the last hour or so, so I can play on the server he started on. I had the client stop downloading twice, before I finally torrented it, so I'm a day behind him. Kyle, however, did not have these problems. He's made a video and done some screenshots for the game so far. And a how to get the client in English.
---To any of my friends out there, I can hook you up with where and how to do all of this, if you're so inclined.

I had the flu?! yesterday. Cory said that's what happens when you run a fever, have chills, and are sore and achey all over. It sucked, nonetheless.

Lip's healed up! Looks rather cute, if I do say so myself.

My birthday is in a week. Mandy and I are going to see Swan Lake next Saturday. I'm very excited. It's one of my most favourite pieces of music, evar. I'll prolly make a pilgrimage to Oregon the following week, but I suppose I should talk to Melz about that, first.
tokimi: (bejeweled)



May 26th.
tokimi: (watching)
Click me, I'm not forcing this to load on your friend's page. )

Only been waiting for this game to go into beta for like... 2-3 years. If NCSoft can do Aion without it being a grindfest the way L2 was, something tells me it may be the ground breaking MMO people have been waiting for. The PvPvE system sounds rather intriguing, breaking down the game into 3 factions, only two of which are playable, the last being NPC only. Not sure how it will handle, however. It remains to be seen.

But damn, is the game gorgeous. And you can fly in it as a matter of course, changing the PVP system from being 2D to 3D.
tokimi: (meeeee)
Not a whole lot to be saying lately, hence the not posting and all of that rot. It's been raining, but it's Seattle and it's the fall, so it's not to be unexpected.

I still haven't gotten my computer fixed, I need to try to pop in another CD ROM to see if I can boot from that, but it's been retarded and I haven't bothered with it. Which means I haven't been playing L2 a lot because I don't like dying due to immense and stupidly crazy lag.

John and Snow got me to play WoW on the Skywall server, which is a normal server. I called them all pussies for not playing a PVP server. We're Alliance. Got a level 35 Human Mage named Nemamiah after my L2 Sorc. I've been working, sorta, also on a Horde character on Dark Iron for Merin, but it's been a lukewarm experience because I want to be pretty (Blood Elf) and the account isn't an expansion account. But it's a -free- account, because it used to be Snow's son's and he's letting me use it. Ironic, I have no problem running WoW (just lag when I run places and run slow), but L2 freaks out.

Oh yah, I already told Quarla about this. I don't think I updated on the level of my mage, though. I feel like such a traitor to play WoW. Haha.

I've got an interview at the Frye Apartments today. I'll nail it, and get my own place and then make Eric come and see me again. Ruthie did really well on her interview yesterday and got a place, and Nikki already lives there. So it would be cool to have people I know in the building, even if I don't really like the area too well.

I've listened to most of the new Nightwish album, but as Amy and I decided, it's not really Nightwish. I'm lukewarm about going to the concert at the Showboxx on Halloween. My favourite song on the album is probably Sahara. As Amy said, it's like After Forever with Nightwish rifts. It's not -bad-, it's just not Nightwish. The new vocalist doesn't have the same power as Tarja did, and I really wish they wouldn't tone down the vocals on the album the way they have been for the last 2-3 albums. It would sound a lot better if they didn't.

Oh, and I have a headache.
tokimi: (daydreaming)
Casey and I bailed on A23 last night. He had gone to Haujobb on Friday at El Corazon and told me that the sound quality completely sucked, saying that the guy on the mixing boards and what not sucked. Not to mention, the concert didn't start until 9, and we both had places to be early in the morning. Granted, I wish I had known this a bit earlier in the day, instead of like... two hours before the show started, but it's cool. I was agitated last night but I'm pretty much over it now. Tom Shear lives in Seattle, and plays at the Mercury every now and again. Casey's roommate of awesomness, Dores, is a member at the Mercury, so we could get in pretty easy. So, bummed about not going, but I'm pretty much over it.

Not to mention, Casey mentioned reinstating movie night, and actually watching movies this time around. Which would be cool. Had a lot of fun the last time I was doing movie night with Casey, even though we never actually got around to watching movies that time. But it was good people, good food, good conversation, and the best quote, "Let's tap that bitch like a keg." Mwahaha.

Looking into new music. Right now Indian/Hindi mp3s and stuff. Learning all of the lingo and the artists is a bit hard, at least because it's so vast, but it's been good fun. Not to mention, it's completely over the top for me. I don't know the language at all, so I'm lost. Granted, I don't know German, but most of the German I listen to is either metal or electronica. Jessie doesn't like the music, so I can normally put it on to scare her out of my room, which is just as awesome, to be honest. Also started getting into some more industrial, stuff that's a bit harder than what I usually listen to. Stompier. Listened to the new Seabound album and loved it. I've listened to the new Nightwish single and didn't love it so much. Listened to part of the new album and... Meh. I don't know. I don't think the new vocalist has the necessary support and training to sustain the same sort of calibre of music that Tarja did. Which is a pity.

On top of all of that, doing pretty well. Entering into the next stage of this particular housing place, which is an interview and the release of information, as well as some other things, like looking over a lease. Which is exciting, because then it's another step to independence and a real life and all of that crazy stuff. Oh, and because I could have house guests, and maybe Murphy too, which would really mean a lot to me. I miss my feathered emokid.

L2 stuff's been pretty mellow. Working on putting together the mats for some crafts to hopefully make a profit on. Had to give Vina back the SOM I was using and so Nem was weaponless. Failed a FDS craft that was meant to be a replacement. Tile bailed me out and bought me a new SOM and Jeremy's helping me get a level 12 blue soul crystal to put Acumen on it. Probably this week. It's still hard to level because of my lag issues, which brings me to another problem altogether.

My computer is being utterly retarded. It sounds almost as though I have the same sort of virus that Justin said he had, that was attaching itself to high resource processes and lagging the system down. Which is pretty much what happens when I run L2 or try to burn CDs. So he had to reformat. My problem is that I -can't- reformat because I can't get the CDs to boot up in DOS. It just ignores the fact there's a CD in the drive after trying to read it and pops back into Windows. It's really frustrating. I have 3 copies of XP here, two burns and a legal upgrade copy from my dad, but I can't reinstall from Windows. I can't boot from the CD, so I can't reformat, so I can't fix my computer. I have no idea what the hell is going on and it's driving me nuts.

Hopefully, when I get my trust fund money, and I've paid off my debts, I'll buy a new computer. Which is sexy. It just means that I can't sell this one until I can get it fixed. Not that I imagine I would get a lot for it. It still does what I need it to do, just can't play L2 very well.

I second the notion of Kel and her husband moving to Seattle. It's awesome to have a close girlfriend again (since I don't get to talk to my current girl type friends as often as I would like). Even if we stay up later than intended laughing hysterically over retarded in jokes. She's my new cohort in evil as far as RP go. Even if we have to go to great lengths ot make sure that the originally side NPC that she grew overly attached to is happy in the end. Sometimes I think I should write all of this stuff out. And sometimes I wait for her to do it because I gave her permission to use the storyline. Various Theatres for the win.
tokimi: (meeeee)
I haven't updated with something real in ages.

What have I been upto? Running my SL stuff on BDI with Kel and an assortment of others, which I have just finished today. Thank god. At least the part with the 6 players involved. Never, never, never want to do that on IRC again because we couldn't start on time to save our lives. It was very annoying, especially when people were late after scheduling the times. And other things. Oh, how there were other things, but that might be a BRPS post rather than here.

I've been playing L2 a bit as well, getting in 2-3% every now and again, even with my computer being retarded. Sometimes with Eric around. Tagless, so much safer, people leaving me alone, it's glorious.

I'm doing better in my therapy! Beth says so and so does Liz! And me, too. It's just... hard to do some of these mindfulness things and what have you. Frustratingly hard. All of my triggers seem to be people and those relationships between them and me. It's hard, really, very difficult for me to get through and do.

Saw Labyrinth on Monday at the Vasrity Theatre. EPIC bulge, as predicted. Awesome, despite Amy's scary "zomg my jaw is weird" thing. She's alright, no worries folks, but it was strange anyhow. Amy is gonna take me to go see Stardust tomorrow, so I have to finish the book before then. It's a pretty easy read so far, I'm on page 150 of 336, so no doubt it'll be done before tomorrow. I also picked up a new Tanith Lee book I hadn't heard of before called Sung In Shadow, which is a retelling of Romeo and Juliet done in a manner that only Tanith Lee could accomplish. I liked it, it was pretty good.

Arch got me into The Birthday Massacre and Shiny Toy Guns. Rock on. I luff teh new muzzaks.
tokimi: (thinking)
I went to the Within Temptation with Amy. And Sandy brought Heather along, another person whom I hadn't seen in god knows how long. It was pretty cool, everyone seemed to click and we had a good time just standing in line to get into the concert itself. Because Amy and I had gotten there so early, we were near to the front, alongside one of the tour busses and we got to stake out a pretty good place in the venue to watch. We were in front of the railing in the back and beyond it being hot because there was no fan pointed on us there, it was still a good place to be. We could see over the main floor crowd and actually watch the show.

Stolen Babies had played first. I'd never heard of them before, but they were pretty good. The lead singer was so tiny! And she had a great screaming voice and could growl like the best of them. It was incredible. And she played an accordian as well, and that was just made of win all around. It was pretty fun to just watch her rock out on the accordian in the middle of songs. She also joked around about how bloody hot and nasty El Corazon was. Talked about how her face was going to melt off. And damn, it really was. I know that we were all sweating buckets and ended up finishing our bottles of water long before Stolen Babies went on first.

Following them was of course what Amy and I had really gone to go see. Within Temptation took the stage about 15 minutes after Stolen Babies finished. We watched the band and techs set up their instruments and do sound checks and tune their instruments. They darkened the stage down and turned on the dry ice machine and the green lights and began performing Our Solemn Hour. It was amazing. Sharon den Adel is an incredibly powerful vocalist. She was amazing. Within Temptation was just incredible live. You could hardly see the drummer, or the keyboardist because of how they were lighting the stage but even so... Damned, they just sounded awesome live. Sharon den Adel has this great stage presence, too, and could really get the crowd into the music. When they were performing What Have You Done, she got one of the audience members to sing the male vocals, and he did a great job, better, I daresay, than the guy on the studio version. I was not at all disappointed in seeing them or going on 2 hours of sleep to see them.

However, after Within Temptation's set, probably due to the lack of sleep, the heat and the lack of water ($2 for a 12oz bottle of water is retarded, but expected), I was feeling pretty faint. Amy and I had come and seen who we wanted, so we decided to leave, and said goodbye to Heather and Sandy. We didn't get to stay for The Gathering or Lacuna Coil, but I don't think I could've stayed for Lacuna Coil anyhow, given how late they were going to perform, anyhow and my curfew. I hadn't thought about staying out late because I hadn't expected it to run that late. That was my naivete. Sandy also told me later that she and Heather went ouside because they were feeling somewhat faint from the heat as well. So, yeah. El Corazon needs to invest in more fans or central air or something. The venue was entirely too hot.

The concert was a very high point in last week. Despite the repeated bouts of insomnia and over drugging myself with sleeping pills... Well, not over drugging really, it's more like when I was taking them, I would get completely knocked out for 10-12 hours. It was ridiculous. I don't think it's unreasonable to cut my dose back to 50mg instead of the perscribed 75mg because of the effect. I'm not sure what's causing it. Maybe I'll move my alarm clock to the other side of the room because I think I'm turning it off in the morning before I'm fully awake and that's somewhat problematic.

I know I've been stressing out about something. I just don't know what. I saw Liz on Monday and I discussed it with her and we were going through the list of things that could've caused it. It's not environmental because things in my environment haven't changed. It's not related to people, because nothing traumatic has happened with people around me. It's not medicinal, because I've been taking my medications faithfully. Liz was hypothosizing that it could just be a low point in the chemicals in my brain or some such thing and that's what's causing it. It's hard to say, I'm not a doctor so I don't really know at this point. I just sorta have to believe what they suggest, or take what they say on faith and what not.

I do know that I've been stressing about my fucking phone bill. The one that's $150 a month because I'm paying for two lines instead of my own because someone, namely Stephen, hasn't paid me back so I can break the contract. I mean, he owes me more than enough money to use to break the contract, but I can't do it because I can't pay for rent, my phone and then this stupid $200 contract breaking fee on TOP of that all. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I want to get it all taken care of, I just don't know what the hell to do about it. I've even been thinking about selling off my MLP collection to afford it because I can't display them right now and I know that I could get at least $200 for the whole damned thing. I don't want to sell them, I really don't. It's not just the atypical Margo pack rat type thing, I love my ponies, and I've spent a good deal of money collecting them in all of this time, and what have you. It's just that it's the only thing that I can think of that if I sold I could actually get some money for. I don't have anything else of value on hand.

It's frustrating me greatly. Maybe I should go really pathetic and take up a Paypal collection.

Note: Can only receive incoming calls at the moment. Lame, I know, but I went slightly over my spending limit and they're annoyed with me. I need to attempt to negotiate with them tomorrow, probably in person, on how to get this all taken care of. Contract breaking fee and all.

Justin and I've started talking again. I think I incited it when I ranted in my last substantial entry about my frustration with exes and owing me money. Nonetheless, he at least has a better excuse for why he hasn't paid me back than Stephen has. Of that, I appreciate, certainly. I'm still frustrated just because of the position that I am in at the moment, and that I'm having a difficult time negotiating out of it. But, at least he got a hold of me. Since then, the conversations have been mostly mild and lightly done, discussing things like music. I knew I had liked him for a reason, he was always very good about getting me new music or new songs by bands I had already been into. And, apparently, he had picked up Sara Douglass's books, um... the Wayfarer Redemption and what not. So we've been discussing that a little bit and that's been amusing me to some degree as well.

It's just odd I've got exes popping up and getting a hold of me again. Peter in April, whom I did not reply to because I don't trust his motivations or reasons as to why he would write me. I still suspect it has something to do with my rekindled association with Sean, but, who can say? It just seems as though it's been a strange last 6 months or so. Sean, then Peter, then Justin. I mean, who else is going to pop out of the wood work?

Well, and then there was that guy who told me he had been watching and reading my LJ for the last 3 years but had never tried to get a hold of me before that night. Which, I confess, was a little strange. I couldn't get a straight answer out of the guy. And I don't know if that bothered me more, or if was the whole "I've been reading, but not said anything" thing.

That's not to say that meeting people via LJ is a bad thing. I mean, I know people who met their fiancee through LJ. I've met some awesome people from Livejournal. No one in person that I hadn't met elsewhere, or anything like that, but, there are some very cool, introspective writers on my friend's list that I rather enjoy reading their journals. (Some of those people don't post anymore, sadly.) But yeah, I mean... I don't know if I could sit there for three years and claim to read someone's journal, crush on them via that journal and then never say anything to them. And harbour this crush for like... that long, and date someone else at the same time. And then when it's finally out, because you broke up with your girlfriend that day or week or whatever, you ask them right away if they have a chance. It's a bit strange. There's no basis for it beyond being mutually single. I mean, a lot more conversation would've had to been required.

On top of all of that, I'm e-crushing again. Not on Joel (Alveon!) this time, though, I love sending him bizarre messages about what crazy plots I will inevitably have to execute in order to fulfill my desire of shagging him rotton. (The last plot involved a trench coat and plastic wrap. You do the math.) He's a really sweet guy from my clan on retail, whom, apparently no one realized we had been talking. (Not (sexy/ebil)Josh, not (good)Josh -though, we're not in the same clan anymore, anyway, not Furry or Shy, either, in case anyone is wondering). It's hard to say if anything will or can come from it. I enjoy talking to him a good deal, and we've spoken on the phone a lot in the last week or two or so. I'm fairly certain he likes talking to me as well, which is always a good thing. He makes me laugh and is a good deal more down to earth in the face of rabid emotions than I am. But, we've got all of the hangups from last year and that has started to rear its head with a vengeance as of late, I blame the burgeoning depression.

Besides that, and all of those emotional hangups on past events and people, and emotional baggage and fears and all of that... I mean. I have other reasons to hold back. The fact that I need to focus on me right now. There's.... some tenuous, barely formed and never, ever acknowledged... -thing- with someone who shall remain anonymous due to the public nature of this post. And that -thing- I have with that person, it's hard to say what will come from that, just that I'd be a fucking idiot to mess it up. The -thing- is just not emotionally satisfying due to the sporadic nature of when we get to talk, and let's face it, I've always been a very, very needy person.

Ugh. Spectres and ghosts still haunt me. The ghost of Adam tinting this association. This other person and our -thing- and the potential for it to not be just some undefiniable -thing- but some sort of real relationship. And what? I'm a fucking dreamer. I want my happy ending. I almost said it would be a bloody happy ending, but um, the connotations are all wrong for it. I want to be happy. I want both these guys to be happy, that's just the sort of person I am. And I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that I can make them both happy, because, come on, who the hell really knows that? There's just a lot of stuff and baggage that's hanging over me, the -thing- and my e-crush. Not to mention, I really do need to focus on me, and I should stay away from real, acknowledged relationships because somehow, that will probably stress me even more. Besides, the e-crush thing is a new thing, I shouldn't force growth or for myself to trust. Must remember the lesson I learned from Adam.

Despite all of that, it's not particularly stressing me out. Things will move as they are meant to.

But enough on that, I don't really think I can sit here and blather on about the subject much more, anyhow. Or really, anything else.
tokimi: (duality)
So strange, LJ's birthday reminder working again. It's bizarre and... bizarre! Amazing. It's been a loooong ass time since they had last had it working so, I guess I sorta forgot about it. It likely won't help. It never helped when Semagic reminded me every night at midnight.

Life's been a bit slow in the last week or so. Been working on getting better, and I've only a very lingering cough. Otherwise, I'm hale again. Escept for the bump on my head. That was a tad annoying, but what can you do, really? It's here, it's queer, get used to it! Or something of that variety, I'm not even very sure.

Beyond getting involved on St0rm's L2 server, again, despite better judgement, nothing really has been going on. It's a little sad. Due to fighting with DSHS and my cold, I had to put off both my psych eval and my therapist appointment with Liz twice. I've seen the nurse practionier, I'm being doctor monitored for my medication again, and all of you that were worried can relax. Though, I hazard a guess that only my sister was really worried about it. Le sigh.

Stress... or at least worries have been building up. Most importantedly whenever I look at my phone bill and note that it's double what it should be because I am still paying for a second line. You know, the second line that I got because I was being nice (naive) and generous and wanted to help Stephen out with and added and got fucked over with in the end. The second line that costs $200 to break so I can restore my contract to what it was -prior- because it's technically a second contract or some shit and I have to break it and thus pay for the fee. The second line that I don't use, that he's never paid me for and that I am still paying for. It drives me crazy. I'm spending $150/mo on a stupid phone line (half of the money I get, mind you) that I don't even use. That I added because it wasn't a big deal to add when he was going to be paying for his half. But he never did, Margo got fucked and there we are.

On top of that, the other ex, Justin, who also owes me money, still hasn't. After promising to deliver in February or March. What's frustrating is that it was promised (twice? three times?) and so far, nothing. But I suppose, it's too much to expect. Stupid faith in people.

Lee's showing up on MSN but we haven't talked. I'm angry about it, still. About the whole just waltzing back online after 6-8 months like nothing had happened, offering no explainations, not bothering to set anything straight. Yeah, okay, everyone has shit going on in their life, everyone has problems and issues and crap that they have to deal with, but does that mean it's fair to just gloss on subjects like this?

I'm starting to stress out, I can feel it. I'm listless, I'm easily annoyed and agitated, I'm losing interest in hobbies... I don't know. Bad signs, bad signs. I need to speak with Liz and try to work something out, I guess. I need to purge it more, I need to get more of this frustration out, I just... don't know how at the moment.

Just trying to get through shit. Can't fall apart again.

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Tokimi

June 2011

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