tokimi: (teh hotness)
Probably shouldn't have waited a year to write. Not that I was waiting, per se, but the depression after the break up with Eric and subsequent whirlwind wooing by Chris was... um... a whirlwind.

So to jump to things, I've been seeing Chris for nearly a year, or a year, or something like that. He moved back up to Seattle in September, and we officially moved in together in February. Murphy and Adam both live with us, and terrorize or whore it up, according to their own natures. We're currently looking for a larger apartment, townhouse or house with or without a roommate, depending on what happens. I'm very happy with my life with Chris, overall, though we need to buckle down and start saving for the move. We do have the ballet, a symphony and PAX on the horizon, plus a trip back to New Hampshire in September for -his- friend's wedding, ironically enough.

I'm back in DBT and at the halfway mark now. We just started Distress Tolerance again, which is good. I think I'm excited about this module because I finally made a box out of a very bright gift box from Daiso. I've put the things that make me smile in there, and help to break moods and stuff. Olivia's kindergarten pic is one of them! But that's because I don't want my sister and brother in law to ever have to explain what happened to Auntie Margo. Therapy seems to be going well, I slipped off the bandwagon for a little bit, but seem to be back on it. Trying to learn to self discipline myself into being responsible, but it's kinda hard. And sometimes it really makes me feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Mostly because my sisters are both successful in their chosen fields, and are working on or have received their masters. And I'm... in therapy, not working. Eeeeh... C'est la vie? I don't know.

I went to New Hampshire last December and saw a bunch of people for the first time since I graduated high school. I plan on packing as many people into the five day trip this fall as possible. We'll see how it goes. Lorelei's definitely on the list of people to see since I didn't get to see her last time I was there.

Chris wants me to read the Wheel of Time, and I'm stuck halfway through the first book. I said I would read the whole thing, but it's so slow, and slogging through it is painful. I'm trying, but I just don't think it's my thing? And it's not that I don't like fantasy or epic reads or whatever. I just don't know, but I feel as though I'm letting him down by not finishing the book. He says I like to cuddle it more than I like to actually read it. He could be right. I read it on the bus, mostly when I have nothing better to do.

I have things to do this weekend, it's amazing. I have to mail my copy of the Last Unicorn comic to Dawn to get signed by Peter Beagle, and go to Lush to buy a birthday present for one of our friends, Beth... well, and buy some stuff for me, mostly moisturizer. Like I need a reason to go to Lush! That's really Dawn's fault, since she introduced Lush to me before she moved.

Um, what else has happened? My sisters both moved. Mandy to New Mexico with her fiancee for school, and Cory, Tim and Olivia to New Hampshire to be closer to Tim's family. And prolly my dad and stepmom, too! Mandy and Russell will be visiting Seattle in July, yay, and I hope to see them at least once, if not more. Chris is nervous about meeting my younger sister and her fiancee, but he'll do fine! Or he better!

Lots of stuffs I want to do this year. PAX, the ballet, the symphony, NaNoWriMo, the Uproar Festival, meet Chris's family, graduate DBT... um... The year is half over, gotta hop to! Though, some of those events can't be rushed, or have certain dates. Most of those dates are unchangeable. Oh well.

Anyways, not a bad start to journaling again...
tokimi: (bejeweled)
Dirty for being on Facebook! I KNOW! All mah fault. Feel free to add me, though.

So grandma's 90th birthday party was this weekend, and we went over, knowing that it could easily result in a load of drama and being paranoid for that drama to come. It wasn't so bad.

If anything, it was being way over prepared for the shoe that never dropped. My aunt, all of my uncles and a ton of the family I didn't know well enough to name or had seen in years anyhow were all there, as well as my grandmother, of course. My mom brought her new puppy, Maggie, who was freakin adorable and tiny. Olivia seemed to have a good time.

The only weird thing about it all was my mom bringing the old neighbour kid she tried to hook me up with when I was 17 and he was 14, and his girlfriend. Now this may not sound too weird, except for the fact that he was walking around, at a family event... with a freaking tazer that looked like a handgun on his hip. I... don't get it. Everyone there was dressed up nice in slacks, skirts, the works, and he comes in jeans and a T shirt saying something like "You look like I could use a drink".

Seemed a bit strange and disrespectful.

I found out that one of my uncles was seeing a psychologist, which is probably good for him. He said something about how his therapist told him that he had to go to the gym as a part of his job. From work to the gym and -then- he was allowed home. It stuck in my mind, and seems to be a good way to manage it, I think. I think that's what I'll have to do get myself into the gym on a regular basis as well.

Survived the weekend. I still fall asleep to Zamfir, master of the pan flute. Cory calls this a Pavlovian conditioning since my parents used to play Zamfir in the car when I was an infant. IT STILL WORKS. This shouldn't happen, but oh, it does. What can you do when it still works?

I spent both car rides to and from Leavenworth listening to the Shiny Toy Guns with little to no exception.

Wrote a short story recently. Need to be edited a bit because I ended up changing tenses half way through, as someone pointed out to me, but as soon as I do that, I'll probably post it on LJ. But it does need to be polished up a bit before it comes close to online publication. And it involves rape. Character's back story and all, and that leads to the rape. Of course, it'll be posted, but it won't be until after the second draft is done and a spell checker run through it. Such things are all that the perfectionist require in me.

Oh yeah, I got a little buzzed on strawberry champagne with my aunt last night. Whee. >_>
tokimi: (Default)
Yet another insomnia post of "I should be asleep". I should be! But I'm not, and let's look at how we got to this point. I blame Aion almost exclusively. Between Dark Poeta and the epic group ganking in the Abyss afterwards, it kept me up late.

But at least now I'm getting sleepy. Will have to set an alarm to wake up before noon. Having to be responsible and all that rot.

Grandmother's 90th birthday party is next weekend. That should be interesting with the extended family showing up by the droves, I'm sure. I'm preparing with Regan on how best to handle that the week prior. Putting in all those supports and the like so I have plans on what to do if the situation becomes too hectic. Which is good.
tokimi: (tired)
Shattered, from Aion, wants me to reactivate my WoW account and transfer to Lightbringer. And then I found out that Asha plays on Lightbringer, same faction as the WoW Immortal chapter, and then that was just weird to me. Not saying that I can't transfer, but I really just don't want to play at all.

I've taken something of a sabbatical from Aion at the moment, but I don't really know why I am. I've been enjoying RP a whole metric shit ton lately, and playing Dragon Age. One of the people who quit from BDI when I did just recently came back, and that makes me ridiculously happy. Asha's also gotten a hold of me lately after watching me play my dark elf bitch and we've been talking. I couldn't resist but to ask what happened with him and Dayna back in the day. I also found out that he's a career Marine, sorta like Aaron/Jeral, though not sure what the former's doing so much; the latter, I don't really talk to a whole lot since I'm not playing WoW anymore.

Finances should be -way- better this month, despite Christmas.

Took my iPod to the Apple store. Faulty cable? It worked fine in the store, on MY laptop of all things. Just makes me want to shoot a baby or something. She said that the older cables could've caused it, and that I should avoid using it. I was like... REALLY?? So lame. I took all this time to go to the stupid Apple store in U Village. That place is not very accessible by bus, kinda annoying. I mean, moar buses running moar or something would be nice.

Now I'm sleepy. Beth, the nurse practitioner that takes care of my meds was really excited that I went to bed early last night... which was to say, 12:30 or so. Earlier than now. But I've been getting sleepy earlier for some reason. Damn being old. Though I think it's bed time, seriously. I can get up and start the closet sorting process & bedroom sorting stuffs tomorrow.

PS: Calling SSCC tomorrow about their pastry program. Wheee~
tokimi: (contemplation)
I did it because [livejournal.com profile] quarla did it.


visited 30 states (60%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

You can see both trips cross country, and the few airport layovers. Layovers totally count, right?

Contemplating NaNoWriMo this year. Have an idea, Kyle suggested it after this wicked dream I had. The story would be mostly set in modern times, a fantasy revolving around reincarnation and what not. Not quite to the extent of the Troy Game or anything like that, but mostly from one life, to the current. Might have to do a bit more research on England or something to make the plot work, or just use an alternate US of a sorts. I haven't decided. I should go check on my NaNoWriMo account to see if it's still active. I haven't done it in 4-5 years.

Turns out I had to reregister for NaNoWriMo: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/571345

Added Abilify to my drug regimen, and am going back on my sleeping pills to regulate my strange sleeping habits as of late. Hopefully, this will help.
tokimi: (help)
So I finally bought "Alex & Me" by Dr. Irene Pepperberg. She wrote the book sometime after Alex had died, and the first chapter is all about the outpouring of support for her following his death. She includes several exerpts from emails and cards that had been sent to her expressing sympathy for her.

I cried like a baby. I was in the back seat of Cory's mini van, heading back up to Seattle, reading the book, Olivia jabbering away, with tears streaming down my face as I read the first chapter. My niece even stopped and asked me if I was ok, because I was crying so much.

Who knew that the death of a parrot that I hadn't ever met would effect me so much? I remember crying when I read the news article originally. It was because of Alex that we actually got Murphy.

Saw my mother for the first time in 3 years two weeks ago. I went to see my grandmother, my mother was there, inevitably. I didn't want her to touch me, but I obliged with a hug the first time, but not the second as we were leaving.

Cory and I made apple butter this last weekend. I have jars for Christina, Regan and my friend/guildmate, Snow, who lives in Puyullap. I also made brownies and cookies for Kyle which I need to mail out.

Picked up a vacuum and some clothes to work out in. And a skull pillow. I love Halloween.

I wonder if I'm sliding into a depression again. I'm not eating as much, or getting hungry, and I'm sleeping and feeling sleepy a lot more. Good thing I see Regan today so I can ask her what she thinks about it.
tokimi: (blushing)
So.

So many things I could be writing about right now. But only a few lines, since I can't seem to sit down for long enough to write all of those things.

There's still a lot of stuff I need to do. And want to do. And want to make of my life. I want a house, I want my marvelous, custom built kitchen. I want a couple of cats, a dog or two, and Murphy (who will not be renamed Bread). I want to be a pastry chef. But to do all that, got to straighten shit out first. Always had a reason, never had much motivation until the last few months.

I'm actually pretty happy (content!) most of the time, when not in fits or episodes of anxiety, crazy or depression; those having come much less frequent, though. I'm inspired to work on all of those things I've been putting off in therapy. And those quirks that seem to entirely wreck my universe that are mostly of my own design. I attribute this to mostly to one of the most amazing people I've been blessed to meet. I don't know how they do it, but they do, and it's incredible to me. I'm very happy to have met them, and I'm glad that they're in my life. I will no doubt go on about (----) in the future, but for the moment, this being a quick update that's not entirely about them, it's not the time.

I have hesitated in writing about (----) for a few months now, and I don't particularly know why. Sometimes, things are like a bubble and the slightest outside pressure can pop it.

I'm 25 now. And it freaked me out for a while. I think I'm okay with it. I told (----), about something in their life, that it's a transitional period, that just because things are crappy now, doesn't mean they always will be. And really, it's the same thing, about my life. It's just easier to tell someone else that, than it is to believe it yourself.

Mandy and I went to the ballet a few days after my birthday, because they were performing Swan Lake, and it's been one of my favourite pieces of music for ages. I cried at the end of it, it was so moving, so beautiful. I will probably make an effort to go back and see Swan Lake everytime it's performed at the PNW Ballet after that. I really enjoyed the performance. I still mean to go to an opera at some point, but there's only two I really want to see, namely Don Giovanni and Aida.

My lip ring's been healing up pretty nicely. I got my ears all gauged up to 18s, including my cartiledge piercing. I thought they would all hurt a LOT more than they did. It was very anticlimatic. I'm thinking of maybe gauging my lowest earring to 14 or 12 to put in some of the more interesting pyrex "squid" pieces of jewelry. I'll have to look up some pics later. This being a quick update before I lose the determination to write.

I quit the WoW guild I had helped build and ran for the last 5 months. Pointedly, it had gotten to be a lot of stress. When I spend the first half hour or more of every nightly conversation with (----) bitching about it, it's gone too far. It wasn't fun anymore. It was more work than it should've been, and I shouldn't have been the only person busting their ass to make it all work out. After nearly a 2 month ultimatum, it's how things fell out. I admit to quitting in a fit of utter frustration and some what emo-ness, but it wasn't a huge surprise, and shouldn't have been, for the officers that it happened. I'd been saying I wanted to if things hadn't changed. And they didn't. In the two short weeks since I quit, the whole guild has fallen apart, which, in my opinion, pretty much underscores the fact that I had been single handedly running the guild.

Anyhow.

Lastly. [livejournal.com profile] quarla might need a traveling buddy for when she moves out to NY in late July. She asked me if I wanted to come, and offered to help pay for plane tickets to Socal and then back to Seattle. I'm heavily considering doing it, as it'll be a blast driving cross country again, and to see more of the sights (and maybe peoples along the way, [livejournal.com profile] dmoira). And it's a chance to see everyone back in NH whom I haven't seen since I graduated high school in 2002. I have no doubt that I can convince someone to meet us halfway in Burlington, Vermont to make the Margo exchange so I could go back to NH for a week or two and then fly out of Manchester or Boston to head home. It would be awesome to see everyone back east again, it's been so long. I need to email my dad about it, and see about his plans.

And that's all I'm committing to for right now. Once again, I'll try to write more again in the future, but I say that alot, and it never comes through.

Question

May. 4th, 2009 03:04 am
tokimi: (shadowed)
How do you motivate yourself to do the shit that needs to be done?

I find myself ignoring things and never getting around to it, and so far nothing seems to be able to break this habit, no matter how many times I've tried to. Being as Nike suggests and "just doing it" doesn't ever seem to work, as much as it should?
tokimi: (hrm?)
I was looking for BPD and DBT support communities on livejournal tonight. And I found, somewhat to my dismay, two that really stuck out.

The first, [livejournal.com profile] borderline I almost joined. Until I read the rules and saw this: "5. Put large images or triggering topics under an lj-cut tag. Triggering posts include, but are not limited to, posts about harming oneself or advice on how to self-injure." Frankly, and with the use of harsh language, it's appalling. I was pretty annoyed about it, and somewhat disgusted that a support community, of people who want to get better and all of that, would actually put "advice on how to self-injure" as an acceptable post topic. Not to mention, they don't really seem to be posting a whole lot of comments for a group of 850.

The second community, [livejournal.com profile] bpd_bdsm was something of a mild curiousity for me. I was wondering if there could possibly be a second acronym of "BDSM", but no, there's not. Read the info. It's not so much that whole thing that bothered me. I mean, lifestylers, whatever floats your boat. But there's a post on there that really struck me as wrong. I don't think it's very healthy for someone with BPD and all of its inherant problems to really be the sub in lifestyle relationship. But that's just me. Whatever works, I suppose, and if you can make it work, however messed up it sounds, good for you.

Seriously, what the hell?

Oh yah, and I updated my profile to better reflect the state of things and me.

Profile

tokimi: (Default)
Tokimi

June 2011

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